The D-Vine Is A Keurig-Like Wine Machine & It's Classy AF

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On gross snowy/rainy days like this, there's only one thing to do: Stay home and drink wine. But ugh, going to the store to actually purchase said wine sounds like a nightmare — and leaving the house kind of defeats the whole purpose. Well, a new machine has come to the rescue: the D-Vine. The D-Vine is like a Keurig for wine, so basically, it's the miracle invention we all need in our lives right this second. If you still haven't put together your holiday gift wish list (and your family has an unlimited amount of money to blow — more on that bit in a minute), look no further.

The D-Vine is the product of 10Vin, a French startup, so you already know it's going to be good. Although not made by Keurig, the D-Vine operates in a similar way to our beloved single serve coffee maker. First, you take your wine of choice, packaged in little 100ml test tubes called "flacons." You insert it into the top of the machine and push down, and the machine chills or warms the wine, determining the perfect temperature based on the type of grape. It also aerates the wine. The best part? This all takes one minute. Yes, you are only one D-Vine machine and 60 seconds away from the perfect glass of wine.

Now that you're probably rushing to get your hands on a D-Vine, it would be an appropriate time to crush all your hopes and dreams. I know, I'm a monster. First, the D-Vine is only available in Europe and Singapore right now — the makers do want to expand to the United States and Asia, but they haven't gotten there yet.

Second, and probably more importantly, this machine does not come cheap. The machine itself costs roughly $1,257, and each flacon runs anywhere between $6 to $28.

So maybe if you start saving up now, you'll be able to afford the D-Vine by the time it makes it way stateside. Or you can just do what I do and set a hard $10 spending limit on wine.

If, however, you are not backing down on the concept of owning your own wine dispenser, the Somm by SYNEK performs a similar function. The machine aerates and chills wine, packaged in canisters that hold the equivalent of three bottles of wine. You can reserve yours now (for shipping in January 2017) for only $224. OK, wait. Now I'm really considering this. A price tag of $224 really isn't that bad. I can be short rent for one month, right? I'm sure my landlord will understand if it's for a good cause. I really need a minute.

If you're not a wine person, SYNEK also makes a Keurig-like machine for beer, which you can buy for $349. Honestly, I'm weighing the pros and cons of buying both machines and never leaving my house or going to a bar ever again. I'm sure it would pay for itself at some point in my lifetime, right?

And to complete my new incredibly lazy yet self-sustaining lifestyle, I will need the Flatev, a Keurig-like machine for tortillas. That's right, fresh tacos all day, every day. You are all welcome to join me in my new life in which I subsist off of nothing but my own beer, wine, and tacos. Honestly, if this isn't the pinnacle of American innovation, I don't know what is.

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