What Not to Wear to Coachella

by Tori Telfer

The world does not need another Coachella fashion article, because the world already knows exactly what to wear to Coachella. Say it with me now: Cut-off denim shorts! Crop top! Enough woven bracelets to weave a small hammock! Hunter boots worn with an adorable attitude of, "Look, I'm being practical!" By now, everybody is pretty clued in to the fact that Coachella is the ultimate stomping ground of faux-bohemian street style — so much so that brands even pay celebrities to attend in their clothes.

But Coachella can be dangerous for those who aren't wearing rubber boots and an attitude of "I do this every year." There are all sorts of sartorial mistakes to be made, and when you factor in crowds and desert sun, the consequences can be dire.

1. Don't wear expensive sunglasses

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Or anything that can easily fall/be snatched off your body and get trampled to the beat of Blood Orange.

2. Don't wear a maxi skirt.

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Unless you want all that alcohol-soaked mud climbing up your ankles like a thirsty sailor.

3. Don't wear anything vintage.

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"But it survived Woodstock!" Girl, don't test your luck twice.

4. Or anything expensive.

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You want to be able to focus on the sun, sand, and good vibes — not on constantly double-checking to see if your priceless accessory is still there.

5. Or anything furry.

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Sure, Penny Lane wore fur, and everyone at a music festival wants to look a little bit like Penny Lane, but fur + sweat + beer + other people's sweat + other people's beer is a cocktail from which you want to stay far, far away.

6. Avoid things that will give you weird tan lines.

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Crop top tan: okay. Crop top with strange bondage straps tan: Not cool, man.

7. Don't wear a band shirt.

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Unless you're actually wearing it to support your favorite band. (Gasp!) But if you're wearing a band shirt to appear casually hip and in-the-know, it will get lost in the chaos of everyone else's band shirt that's intended to make them seem casually hip and in-the-know.

8. Avoid jewelry that might actually make you faint.

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You'll be getting really, really hot in the blazing desert sun, and chances are you won't be drinking enough water. Now is not the time for huge metal accessories that will sizzle against your flesh, or necklaces that might speed up the passing out process.

9. Don't wear anything tight.

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If you want to look sexy, go for short and flowing, rather than body-con. Hint: one disguises sweat and won't make you keel over in the heat; one shows every drop of sweat trickling down your hot bod.

10. Don't check off every single Coachella style tip in the book.

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By now, "music festival fashion" is so ubiquitous that everybody knows what's predictable and what's more or less original. Don't be the attendee in bellbottoms, a belly button ring, and a hula hoop, swaying with an intentionally spaced-out look in your eyes, weaving plastic flowers into your lavender hair-chalked hair. The festival itself might be verging on cliché, but nobody wants to dance next to an archetype.