Kim Kardashian Makes Man Vomit & Weirdly, That Sounds About Right

The celeb news story to end all celeb news stories has come along and I might just need to throw in the towel after this one. There is a man who vomits when he sees Kim Kardashian naked and, as if that wasn't enough on its own, he has given a detailed description of his phobia to the Daily Mail and displayed his discomfort in ridiculous photos with a life-size Kardashian cutout. If this guy is making this up, this is the best thing to have made up ever.

The man, 24-year-old Mike Amess from England, told the publication, "Just hearing the sound of the Kardashians' nasal voices or catching a glimpse of them on screen makes me feel nauseous and shaky. My hands get clammy, my breathing gets heavier and I start sweating. Sometimes, I get teary and want to retch."

You guys, this is not an Onion article. This dude literally wants to vom when he hears them speak.

Amess, who is gay, explained that this began when he forced himself to watch Kardashian's sex tape when he was in high school.

I was raised Catholic and growing up, I tried to repress my sexuality and deny that I was gay. Loads of the boys at school were going on about how good Kim Kardashian's sex tape was. I thought I'd give it a watch in the hope it would turn me on. I downloaded the video and watched it secretly in my bedroom. But the sight of Kim writhing around with her huge bum and the sound of her horrible high-pitched wailing repulsed me. I really wanted to be aroused by her so I kept watching it but she made me feel more and more upset. By the end of the tape, I had burst into tears. The experience left me terrified and I never wanted to see Kim's face again. I have come to terms with my homosexuality now but my dread towards her has never left.

Like, how is one even supposed to feel after that? Is overcome with the entire spectrum of human emotion an appropriate response? Because that's what I've got going on right now.

Amess' story sounds simultaneously totally made up and completely real. I am able to recognize how insane it sounds (not that Amess would be affected long-term by a scarring incident that dealt with his identity, but that it would involve Kim Kardashian making him vomit), while still going, "Hmm.. Ya know, actually I can see Kim Kardashian making someone physically ill."

We live in a world where the general opinion of Kim Kardashian is so strongly negative that THE IDEA OF HER IMAGE MAKING A MAN THROW UP is reasonable enough that this crazy story can't be dismissed as a lie. This is why this is such a brilliant thing to have made up if it isn't true: No one will ever know what to believe.

Amess went on to add that his disgust has spread to the entire family and continued to use descriptions that sound too good to be true. "Kim and her sisters look and sound so similar — they're a mess. They make my stomach churn, I hate it. I dislike everything about them, especially their physical appearance. I don't understand how anyone could find them attractive."

You really just need to read the entire thing. The pictures of Amess shielding himself from images of the Kardashian sisters are worth it on their own, but you probably want to hear about him getting drunk and his friend chasing him with a picture of a Kardashian selfie.