'Mixology' Is Still Worse Than These 21 Crappy Things
I'm sick. That's not meant to foster sympathy or complain, just to help you understand where my head was at watching last night's episode of Mixology. This show is painful enough to watch clear-headed, with a normal body temperature of 98.6 degrees. Throw some post-nasal drip and general malaise in the mix? Baby, you've cooked up a truly miserable 21 minutes of television. Sickness: making bad shows worse since the advent of the first in-home set.
So no, I did not enjoy last night's Mixology. I doubt you did, either. Maybe we should stop pretending to care about which turd burglar ends up with which compost pile and instead talk about things that matter, like
21 crappy things that would still be better than watching a new episode of Mixology
- Volunteering for an after-school mentoring program 45 minutes from your office only to discover when you get there that you didn't pass their rigorous profile standards and therefore have to drive home having mentored no one
- Watching your ex make out with your boss, or captain of your touch football team, in a public but cramped setting like a small office party or "event space" at a bar
- Getting smacked in the face by a Hello Kitty backpack at the airport
- Throwing two gutter balls in a row when you're trying to impress your bowling date, who jokes that you should put up the bumpers
- Obeying the five-second rule only to be judged by some passerby who doesn't know exactly how long it has been. You try to explain but he doesn't want to hear it
- Being passed the veggie platter, finally, only to discover that someone's already depleted all of the ranch and the only vegetable left is broccoli and anyway this thing's just been sitting in the sun for the past three hours
- A child's school play
- Wondering for weeks why your left eyelid won't stop fluttering. Is it stress-related? Should you be sleeping more? Eventually it goes away, but you wonder what caused it and how you might prevent it from happening in the future
- Waiting 45 minutes to remove someone else's wet laundry from the washer you need, only for that person to show up and call you out on your "impatience" and "lack of etiquette"
- Dating someone who calls their parents "mommy" and "daddy"
- Babysitting a molly-loving Beverly Hills tween at Coachella
- Living with the knowledge that you could have gone to that one comedy club that one night Louis CK/Dave Chappelle/Mel Brooks showed up and dazzled the audience with their set if you hadn't decided to go see Salmon Fishing in Yemen instead
- Investing yourself emotionally in an Instagram that fails to net more than 10 likes. You keep refreshing the page in the hopes that the orange heart just isn't showing up, but no — people just don't like the shot that much
- An hour spent watching non-stop Cosmopolitan of Las Vegas commercials with that atrocious music track and the Clockwork Orange-lite imagery that makes you want to punch something oh my god
- Late into a booze-happy night out at home over a holiday weekend, seeing one of your parents mouth the words "sex tonight?" and the other nod before they both politely excuse themselves to go to bed
- An internship in Kony's child army
- Writing an essay-long apology for making light of the child army situation in Uganda
- Watching a new episode of Modern Family. This would barely be better than watching a new episode of Mixology, but I really want to convey the direness of the situation
- Missing an international flight
- Getting fired from the writing staff of Mixology
If we had comments, I'd tell you guys to keep going with these! I could easily write 100 more myself.