The Bachelorette is reality television, and reality television is practically sustained on mining drama even from life's most mundane moments and interactions. You grabbed french fries from a dining partner's plate? Phoned someone who isn't your boyfriend? It's a minor miracle neither of those landed you in PRISON, contestant, so egregious a crime you've just committed. Don't you know that humans are meant to live lives of honor and virtue, especially on ABC's The Bachelor and The Bachelorette? Were you doing something horrific like coloring outside the lines when your parents tried to teach you that?
We're a week out from the conclusion to this boring Bachelorette season, which can only mean one thing: all the discarded men gathering to revisit previous slights and cat fights, all under the omniscient eye of Chris Harrison! For two hours we touched on all this seasons's "moments" (actually, all of the following nouns should have quotes around them): Ben's duplicitousness, that one guy's cheating ways, Zak's heartache.
But the one that continues to get the most attention -- still, astonishingly -- is the "conversation" between James and Mikey that called into question James' loyalty, his passion, and of course whether he was there for the right reasons. To give you an idea just how much this meant to the knitting circle they assembled tonight, Kasey was near tears as he chided James. "You said you were falling in love with her! How could you do that!?" Michael was so apoplectic he could barely speak.
Why are we still cogitating on this weeks later? Why are we talking about an overheard conversation so pointless, so innocuous that to hear it summed up, accurately, by Mikey makes me want to scream? "All we were doing was venting to each other like friends do!" Even more accurately: on a reality show! Where people win and lose! Mikey, smart Mikey, noted that they'd all seen Brooks getting lots of roses -- not exactly a guy of their type. Can you blame them for thinking their days were probably numbered, and talking about it?
I swear to God I feel like I'm going f**king crazy.
After Kasey and the other Mean Girls got their digs in, Desiree finally took the stage to confront her ex-suitor. "I was being manipulated by you, 100%. You were making me feel bad for trusting [the other guys]." And that's…not irrational. You know why? Because it came from the star and competitive core of the show, around whom every challenge and date is oriented and whose opinion, ultimately, is the only one that matters. Sure, Kasey, I guess now women nationwide know just what a staunch defender of women's virtue you are. (Also how scared you are of Mikey!) And Michael, your adeptness at litigation is now well-documented on all counts.
But men, clearly, are a doomed breed. Ladies, partner up now while you can!