Nothing's Fair In Love And Kickball

What were you even thinking joining that kickball team? Did you think you could run with the boys? Outrun them even? Do you just like to "accidentally" hit people in the face with balls as much as the average man? Nice try. Some enterprising kickball team member has your number, ladies, and the number is that you joined kickball to meet guys and will ditch the sport after you've slept with them. Not because your mission is accomplished, but because you're ashamed about all that post-kickball sex.

The guy behind this revelation is Hunter Pine, a member of a coed team and an engineer at a New York City marketing and advertising firm. Pine kicks off his boys-only email by cheering on his teammates and congratulating them on how good they are.

We're most likely going to win out the season, and if not, we'll buck up and win the tournament at the end of the season. We're really that good.

With that cheery self-aggrandizement out of the way, Pine gets into the real stuff. The purpose of his email. The meat of it, if you will. And the meat of his email is this: Men aren't allowed to have sex with the women on the team, because then the women will stop coming to practice and their assured triumph over all the other adult, recreational, co-educational kickball teams in the region will be ruined.

He introduces this concept through what he calls the five-week rule. Pine is forbidding the team's men from sleeping with the team's women until five weeks into the season.

Winning on the kickball field is based on three things. How well the men play, how well the women play, and if the women show up. Literally, leagues are won and lost on whether or not enough women show up towards the end of the season.

This isn't even figurative, dudes of Hunter Pine's Kickass Kickball Team. This is literal. It's time to get real.

The main reason for this, is screwing. No joke, you bang some chick, she's ashamed, maybe you sucked at it (none of us, obviously) and she doesn't want to see you, therefore she doesn't show up again.

So, this rule has been created, not to hinder us, but to help the team. Think of it as an extended challenge. The slow roll. The long con.

YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO FUCK ANYONE ON THE TEAM UNTIL AFTER WEEK FIVE.

Poor Hunter Pine. We're pretty sure the only person too ashamed to show up to kickball next week is him.