What The 'True Blood' Season 7 Trailer Means to Fans Who Gave Up Years Ago — VIDEO

Attention! There is very important sexy vampire news today: True Blood Season 7 teaser trailer was released Monday morning, and it's a doozy... I assume. I am going to do my best to tell you what seems to be happening in the trailer, but what do I know? Like most of you, I stopped watching years ago.

Let's step back in time, for a moment, to the summer of 2009. Lady Gaga's "LoveGame" ruled the airwaves, J.J. Abrams' first Star Trek movie was in theaters, and we were all convinced we were going to die of Swine Flu. Most importantly of all (for the purposes of this article), I was super into this show called True Blood, which was, at the time, heading into its second season. It was campy, gory fun, filled with supernatural intrigue, steamy romance, and more sexy vampires than you can shake a stake at. Sure it had plot holes bigger than the state of Louisiana, but as long as Eric got shirtless, I wasn't complaining.

Yeah, things were pretty great for a while. But summer turns to fall, Star Trek turns to Star Trek: Into Darkness, and time marches on.

What I'm trying to say is: I was really into True Blood until it majorly jumped the shark, at which point I said:

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But the news of this Season 7 trailer had me intrigued. In the four years since I last watched a full episode, what exactly has the Bon Temps gang been getting up to?

Here's what seems to be going on in the True Blood Season 7 trailer from the point of view of someone who stopped watching a long time ago:

-Something involving zombie vampires seems to be happening? Sookie refers to "sick vampires" in her voiceover, and zombies are pretty much the sick undead, right? Unless she means sicknasty.

-They're still using that annoying shaky "psychic" camera effect! Can we just retire that forever after True Blood ends? Please?

-The entire town of Bon Temps seems to have fallen apart. Another reason to suspect zombies. Zombies always make the south fall apart.

-Vampire orgies? Aren't orgies sort of old news where True Blood is concerned?

-So, this season is going to be an analog for the government's poor response to Hurricane Katrina? It's more than fair to criticize the lack of FEMA support, but somehow I doubt True Blood will be able to handle a topic that sensitive even a little delicately.

-Maybe Bon Temps was quarantined— which would, honestly, kind of make sense. Frankly, I'm surprised no one thought to do it earlier. "Hey, President Obama Or Whoever The Human President Is In The True Blood World, you know that tiny town that's full of werewolves, witches, and succubi? Should we do something about that?" "Nah, let's leave it open for a while. It'll sort itself out."

-"There's no one left"... except for like the five most attractive people in the world. Oh well, time to repopulate, I guess!

Watch the trailer for yourself below!

trueblood on YouTube

Images: HBO