We shorties of the world are used to people underestimating us. In fact, we tend to thrive on it. Is it any surprise that some of Hollywood's most badass women also tend to be some of its shortest? If you're under 5-foot-5 (though really, I'd argue 5-foot-3 is the upper limit for true shorty status) you know what I'm talking about. Being a short woman comes with its own set of powers and annoyances that only we the vertically-challenged can truly understand. Here's how you know you a true shorty...
Growing up, everyone was always surprised by how "assertive" you were
because, obviously, short girls are meek
everyone always called you "tiny" or "cute"
or even thumbelina
so you knew that to other people, you looked like
but on the inside you were all
still, sometimes, your parents forced you to fake being five years younger
Just to get the little kid discount.
which wasn't a stretch, because everyone did think you were tragically young
To a twelve year old, it's pretty much the highest insult.
you dreaded any time you had to line up by height for class pictures
so you went through a self-conscious platform shoe phase
(I changed into my sneakers for gym in the bathroom.)
because, obviously, your first crush was one of the tallest guys in class
a pattern that would prove to hold the rest of your life
(My last boyfriend.)
hey, just trying to even out the gene pool
Current boyfriend, taller than average.
But by high school, you started to realize that being short does have its advantages
turns out, guys (and girls) thought it was cute
and because people assumed you were harmless...
it was that much easier to execute your sneak attack
Which May have helped you form a slight napoleon complex
[Quietly plotting next move.]
When 'No Diggity' came out, you were pretty sure it was about you
Shorty get down, indeed. (Best to press play while you read the rest of this.)
Yes, you soon learned to glean the finer pleasures of being short
Like piggyback rides, and um ... shit like this
I call it piggy-planking.
cheaper, weirder doc martens
Kids sizes FTW.
and shocking people with your dirty mouth.
and while there are some looks that are harder to pull off
plenty others are actually easier
you still never get it when people say it "must be nice to fit in small places"
Because, yes, I love living in the cupboard?
the only time it really blows to be short these days is here
Can't see a damn thing.
not being able to see out of a crowd is pretty claustrophobic
oh, that, and when someone thinks it's ok to pat your head
Just because you can reach it, doesn't mean it's not wildly condescending.
still, when you meet someone who's actually shorter...
...you feel oddly aggressive towards them
You could totally take them.
and then you wonder, is that how everyone feels when they meet you?
you know exactly which celebrities are the shortest
Jada Pinkett Smith: 5"0
Salma Hayek: 5"2
Amy Poehler: 5"2
The list goes on and on. What can I say, we're a hot, badass bunch.
And you get especially excited when one of us kicks ass
Because you may be cute
but that don't mean you won't cut a bitch
Only if you have to, of course
(5-foot-2, for the record.)
Because with great shortness
Comes great lovability
Randy Newman got it wrong: Short people got everybody.
Images: Rachel Krantz