How To Choose The Kentucky Derby’s Winning Horse In 9 Easy Steps

The Kentucky Derby is on May 3 which means two things: One, it's not on Cinco de Mayo this year so you don't need to worry about mixing your mint juleps with your margaritas and two, you need to figure out which deserves your bet. If you don't gamble, that's fine too. Everyone at least needs a horse to root for and we have the perfect method for choosing the winning horse. It involves names, colors, intuition, and the horse's odds. But honestly, that last part isn't so important.

Here's how to win!

Step 1: Have Tickets To the Derby or Have Access to a Television

You need to be able to see the race, so you can watch your horse win. (Or lose if you don't follow our steps!)

Step 2: Look at the Horses Names

Here are the competitors for this year's Derby and what their names say to me. (Of course, you'll need to decide what the names say to you.)

Vicar's In Trouble - Boring.Harry's Holiday - Reminds me of Prince Harry. Keep in mind for later.Uncle Sigh - Hilarious. Love it.Danza - Tony Danza. Ain't winning.California Chrome - Sounds like a car detailing business. Next.Samraat - Sounds familiar. (More on what to do when a horse's name sounds familiar below.)We Miss Artie - What is this? A 1950's sitcom?General A Rod - Seems to be named after A-Rod and sounds like an insult. This one's going nowhere.Vinceremos - I need to refer to my Spanish dictionary and ain't nobody got time for that.Wildcat Red - Sounds like a brand of malt liquor.Dance With Fate - Classic.Chitu - Named after an ancient ruin at Machu Picchu.Medal Count - Cocky much?Tapiture - Boring.Intense Holiday - Totally jocking Harry's Holiday's nameCommanding Curve - 80s exercise video.Candy Boy - Creepy.Ride On Curlin - What?Wicked Strong - Awesome. Must be said with a Boston accent.Pablo Del Monte - Also awesome. This horse sounds like a Spanish explorer, but I'm not looking it up because ain't nobody got time for that either.

As you can see. There are a lot of interesting choices here. At this point I would choose Pablo Del Monte, but the process doesn't end here.

Step 3: Colors

Take a look at the horses colors. Pablo Del Monte is purple and white, but a horse like Uncle Sigh is yellow with a purple heart and stripes which is way cooler. If your horse from step two has super lame colors or a dumb design, you should maybe reconsider.

Step 4: Re-evaluating The Names

Did any of the names in the list above sound familiar to you? If so, you may need to switch to the horse with the familiar name. Samraat rang a bell for me, so this might be a solid choice. Even though I'm no basketball expert, I got to the playoffs in my fantasy league based primarily on name recognition. The well-known people/horses are the good people/horses. Don't forget that. But don't look anything up yet! This step is about intuition.

Step 5: Check the Odds

Now it's time to research some facts, but not too many, just the horses' odds. Say you chose Commanding Curve. This horse's odds are 50-1, so it's time to ditch him. Don't just choose the horse with the best odds in this step, just give up on your horse if his odds are really bad and head back to step two to choose your second favorite name.

Step 6: Put On A Big Hat

The hat will get you in the mood for the race and help you channel any additional intution you may need for last minute changes.

Step 7: Drink

The only option is a mint julep. If you don't drink alcohol, just have some ice water with mint in it. It's refreshing!

Step 8: Watch the Race and Begin Any Superstitious Activities

Cross your fingers, take your feet off the floor, yell at the screen like Audrey Hepburn in My Fair Lady, do whatever you need to do to get your horse across that finish line first!

Step 9: Count your Winnings

Our method will not fail and you'll be rolling in dough or whatever stupid thing (free pizza?) you bet your roommate. (And if the method does fail, you still probably have a good amount of bourbon in your kitchen.)

Images: Giphy; Giphy