Here Are all the Best Jokes From the White House Correspondents' Dinner (Chris Christie, Shield Your Ears)
We've been laughing at politicians all year. (Here's looking at you, John Boehner.) But Saturday night marked the one night a year that we finally laugh with the politicians. Well, sort of. Because though the annual White House Correspondents' Dinner gives some of America's most powerful people the opportunity to redirect the ribbing to America's most popular stars, attendees still get in plenty of digs about President Obama & Co. So if there was one reason to spend your Saturday night at home with CNN, it's to watch the busiest man in America put on yet another hat: comedian.
During the course of the night, plenty of one-liners populated Twitter — and will surely move onto Fox News, then, come Monday, The Daily Show segments. But, before each quip becomes overanalyzed during the 24-hour news cycle, enjoy them here. Who bore the brunt of Obama and McHale's jokes? Find out below!
11:04pm: McHale: "And thank you, C-SPAN viewer."
11:03pm: McHale: "I do an impression of Robert De Niro's agent ... Ring ring! He'll do it!"
11:01pm: McHale: "People are overlooking another issue [about Duck Dynasty's Willie Robertson]: He really hates ducks."
11:01pm: McHale: "There are a lot of celebrities here tonight. They're the ones who don't look like ghouls."
10:59pm: McHale, on Fox News: "Their key demographic? The corpses of old people who tuned into Fox News and haven’t yet been discovered."
10:58pm: McHale: "At this point, CNN is like the Radio Shack at a sad strip mall. You don't know how it stayed in business this long, you don't know anyone that shops there, and they just fired Piers Morgan."
10:57pm: McHale: "CNN is desperately searching for something they've been missing for month: their dignity."
10:57pm: McHale: "I do think you're making a big mistake with Putin. You have to show a guy like that you're just as crazy as he his. He invades Crimea, you invade Cancun. He takes back the Ukraine you take back Texas. Something to think about."
10:56pm: McHale: "Thanks to Obamacare, millions of Americans can visit a doctor's office and see what a print magazine actually looks like."
10:56pm: McHale: "White House press secretary and boy detective Jay Carney is here."
10:55pm: McHale: "You are healthy, which is great. Every year, the doctor checks your colon for polyps... and George Clooney."
10:54pm: McHale: "Ted Nugent called you a sub-human mongrel. And it’s questions like that that really make question whether we can take the guy who wrote 'Wang Dang Sweet Pun Tang' seriously anymore."
10:53pm: McHale: "He's going to kill me." [After a string of bridge jokes about Chris Christie.]
10:52pm: McHale: "Will Donald Trump run again? And the answer is, 'Does that thing on his head crap in the woods?'"
10:51pm: McHale: "It also raises the question… when the baby is born, do you give Bill Clinton a cigar?"
10:50pm: McHale: "Chelsea Clinton is pregnant... so in nine months, we will officially have a sequel to Bad Grandpa."
10:50pm: McHale: "Hillary Clinton has a lot going for her… as our first female president, we could pay her 30 percent less."
10:49pm: McHale: "Right now, Joe Biden is elbow-deep in jalapeno poppers and talking to a construction cone he thinks is John Boehner."
10:47pm: McHale: "Between Rob Ford, Justin Bieber, and Ted Cruz, you just want to tell Canada, hey, relax, we already have a Florida."
10:46pm: McHale: "It's a thrill to be here in Washington, D.C., the city that started the whole crack-smoking mayor craze."
10:46pm: McHale: "This is the 100th year of the White House Correspondents' Association. Yes, 100 years ago, CNN was only searching for the Wright Brothers' plane."
10:45pm: McHale: "Tonight's show is being broadcast on C-SPAN. C-SPAN is like one of those Paranormal Activity movies. It's just grainy shots of empty rooms interrupted with images of people you're pretty sure died a few years ago."
10:44pm: McHale: "E! is also home to the Kardashians, who, believe it or not, are Republicans. And I know that because they're always trying to screw black people."
10:44pm: McHale: "I promise tonight will be both amusing and over quickly, just like Christie’s presidential bid. I’ve got a lot of these tonight, so buckle up Chris Christie… excuse me, extender buckle up."
10:43pm: McHale: "Michelle Obama, You’ve been very kind to me and my family… especially when you showed us how to tear a phone book in half with your bare hands."
10:41pm: McHale: "How about the president's performance tonight, everyone? It's amazing that you can still bring it with fresh, hilarious material. My favorite bit of yours was when you said you'd close the detention facility at Guantanamo Bay."
10:41pm: McHale: "I think he’s one of the all-time best presidents…definitely in the top 50. Someone explain that to Jessica Simpson."
10:35pm: Obama: "Everywhere I look there are reminders that I only hold this job temporarily. But it's a long time between now and 2016 and anything can happen. You might have heard the other day that Hillary had to dodge a flying shoe at a press conference. [Cut to Joe Biden holding a shoe.]"
10:33pm: Obama (on what it will take for the GOP to not want to repeal Obamacare): "What if they gave Mitch McConnell a pulse? What is it going to take?"
10:32pm: Obama: "If you want to get paid without working, you should have to run for Congress like everyone else."
10:32pm: Obama: "Gridlock has gotten so bad in this town, you’ve gotta wonder… what’d we do to piss off governor Chris Christie so bad?"
10:31pm: Obama: "House republicans actually give John Boehner a harder time than they give me, which means Orange really is the new black."
10:30pm: Obama: "This one got to me, a Virginia man whose been stuck in the same part-time job for years, no respect from his boss, no chance to get ahead… I really with Eric Cantor would stop writing me."
10:29pm: Obama: "[Fox will] miss me when I'm gone. It will be harder to convince the American people that Hillary was born in Kenya."
10:27pm: Obama: "As a general rule, things don’t end well if the sentence starts ‘Let me tell you something I know about the negro.’"
10:26pm: Obama: "An American won the Boston marathon for the first time in 30 years, which was inspiring, and only fair because a Kenyan has been president for the last six."
10:25pm: Obama: "I am not the first person on television between two potted plants. [Screen pans to Fox & Friends.]"
10:25pm: "MSNBC is here. They're a little overwhelmed. They haven't seen an audience this big before."
10:24pm: Obama: "I am a little jet-lagged from my trip to Malaysia. The lengths we have to go through to get CNN coverage these days. I think they're still searching for their table."
10:23pm: Obama: "In 2013, my slogan was Control-Alt-Delete."
10:22pm: Obama: "At one point, things got so bad that the 47 percent called Mitt Romney to apologize."
10:20pm: "Can we get the new presidential set-up up here? [Crew brings two ferns.] It's worked before."
10:19pm: Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Selina Meyer, breaking the fourth wall as Frank Underwood: "We can all look directly into the camera, Kevin. The point is, we're not supposed to."
10:16pm: Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Selina Meyer: "Who wants to see David Gregory crying in the corner all night?"
9:54pm: Joel McHale: "If there's anyone I'm excited to roast tonight? If Putin is there, that would be a really big deal."