Look Out, He's on Vine!

Oh, Justin Bieber. How can your name inspire so much adoration from your millions of tweenaged fans, and so much ire from both their older-millennial siblings and positively retro parents. Your music is generally harmless (if not obnoxious), and your partying can't be stopped, even by court order. Even your social media seems bifurcated: your twitter boasts both shout-outs to your mom and Instagram videos of you hanging off a truck. And now you've joined Vine, to show us unrelated six-second snapshots of your through-the-looking-glass life.

Although you joined Vine just 48 hours ago, you've already posted five magical Biebz moments. Most are accompanied by the word "burnt" and presumably happened while you were smoking the Mary Jane you love so much, but some are just plain weird, even for you. You seem to want to throw parents a bone by attempting to play Jerry Lee Lewis tunes, then try to throwback to an era before your birth by headbanging to Alanis Morissette's "Ironic." We're still unsure whether you'll commit petty crimes on Vine, but you've already tackled multi-story street harassment, so I'm sure Vine will yield big things for you. As a lowly non-Belieber and member of the older-millennial crowd, I am genuinely perplexed by your entree into the world of Vine-ing, and I want to share your first five Vines with world, in chronological order.

Your first video love letter to the world was an odd and uncoordinated rendition of Jerry Lee Lewis's "Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin' On."

It was soon followed by your sophomore efforts, which were apparently aimed at "some old guy" who was following you.

Your later work dabbled in amateur street harassment.

Then, today, you showed us that you like Alanis Morissette, or at least pretend to for the sake of Vine clout.