Okay, I confess: I'm super stoked for summer. And all these recent shopping guides aren't making the waiting any easier. Between one-piece swimsuits, retro swimsuits, wacky swimsuits, and swimsuits that'll give you weird tan lines, I'm pretty much fully stocked up on beachwear for the season.
All that shopping also made me remember that swimsuits can be one of the most ridiculously priced items at a store. At the risk of sounding like my mother, it's just one or two tiny pieces of fabric! Why does it cost more than a pair of jeans does at the same place! I was busy complaining about a $50 bikini, but, turns out, there are way pricier suits out there. Like, costs-more-than-my-NYC-rent pricey.
So, in celebration of summer and the joyous torture of looking at luxury items I might never be able to afford, here are 15 pieces of designer lycra, spandex, and other synthetic fabrics that are worth way more than it'll cost you to actually get to the beach — even if you have to fly to get to your vacay.
Do you think these are even meant to get wet? I very highly doubt it.
1. The "least expensive," but still expensive one-piece
Lisa Marie Fernandez Garance Maillot Swimsuit, $415, Matches Fashion
For its price, this suit better make me look like I just walked off the set of Baywatch.
2. The Little Black Bathing Suit
Emilio Pucci Cutout-Top Strappy One-Piece Swimsuit, $570, Bergdorf Goodman
Sleek will cost you a pretty penny.
3. The Swimsuit You Can't Get Wet
Oscar De La Renta Cutout Floral Jacquard-Jersey Swimsuit, $590, Net-A-Porter
Spring Break taught us the perils of white clothes and water.
4. The Label Lover
Gucci Bikini With Web Detail, $595, Gucci
If you're going to spend the money, you might as well let everyone know that you did.
5. The Embroidered Halter
Jets White Label Black Cut-Out Halterneck Swimsuit, $619, Harvey Nichols
Beautiful, but it'll cost you a few week's worth of groceries.
6. The One That's Actually Designed For Swimming
Jason Wu Paneled Swimsuit, $660, Net-A-Porter
This suit's fabric is designed to withstand chlorine, salt water, and sun. Is that a lifetime guarantee?
7. The One That's Reversible
Missoni One-Piece Lurex Patchwork Reversible Swimsuit, $685, Saks Fifth Avenue
It's like getting two swimsuits for the price of twenty!
8. The Tasseled One
Désir Clic Clac Two-Piece Swimsuit, $695, Hermes
9. The Sweater-Kini
Emilio Pucci Bikini, $765, The Corner
So sweater season isn't over?
10. The One That "Provides Minimal Coverage"
Roberto Cavalli One Piece Monokini Halter, $770, Everything But Water
Apparently less is more...expensive, that is.
11. The Vintage-Inspired Option
La Perla Mare Graphique Couture Swimsuit, $862, La Perla
Well, it's certainly pretty!
12. The Suit That's Made For Selfies
Tricja Bikini Bra + Brief, $990, Agent Provocateur
According to Agent Provacateur's website, this suit is "made for posing poolside."
13. The Suit of Armor
Alexandre Vauthier Bathing Suit With Metal Embellishment, $1,510, Style Bop
You know, for really intense matches of beach volleyball.
14. The Most Expensive Suit That'll Also Give You Bizarre Tan Lines
Herve Leger Inia Fringe Swimsuit, $1,639, Far Fetch
To be fair, this does look figure-flattering.
15. The Bikini That Costs More Than Your Rent
Le Silla Swarovslki & Lycra Triangle Bikini, $2,883, Luis Aviaroma
Must be some top-notch lycra, huh?