'The Bachelorette' Live-Blog: Andi *really* gets to know her 87 suitors

Last week we were re-introduced to Andi Dorfman and regular-introduced to 25ish young men of various hair lengths and sexual orientations all vying for her heart, or a shot at fame. We'll find out soon who's there for the right reasons and who is there for the wrong reasons.

Anyway, now it's week two and all the first impressions have been rendered. Will Andi's perception of these guys change for the better, or the worse? This is why we watch.

9:50pm: The Rose Ceremony

"This is definitely the tough part for me," says Andi, acknowledging that it can't all be male stripper revues.

Some guys I can't remember get roses, ensuring another week for them to maybe or maybe not get some screen time. JJ, I look forward to hearing what you're all about next week!

Stop frowning, Nick V.! You are definitely going to advance to the next round (UPDATE: You did!). The opera singer? Maybe not. Andi didn't seem that into it.

One Rose left, and the only real question is: will Craig be sticking around? He's the only one you could credibly have an opinion on right now. But no! Bradley -- the opera singer, hey Sharleen -- gets the nod and we're all left shaking our heads, wondering why oh why Andi couldn't have seen past Craig's drunken antics.

Carl, the firefighter, goes home. He's surprised and disheartened. Nick, the golfer, is trying to "not freaking break down." He wonders when things will turn out well. Andi takes special time to tell Craig that she "couldn't get past it." Craig feels horrible about what he did.

9:36pm: Screen-time-less guys start panicking

"To get time with her tonight...it's do or die." Nick V. decides to create his own date with Andi, popping a bottle of champagne to get things poppin'. Then they have a nice conversation about what they're looking for. "I'm okay with holding out for a bit if I don't find what I'm looking for."

WOW, then Marquel goes in with a crazy question: "can you see one of us making you smile every day for the rest of your life?"

Then Josh M. gets butterflies talking to her. THEN they kiss. Sweet! Thank god, I was worried this was going to be a kiss-depleted season.

Finally Craig gets some alone time with Andi, grabbing a guitar to apologize to her...in song. "I messed up...last night. I had too much...Firefly. I bared my junk...to 13 other guys...but I hope and pray that it's alright. Oh Andi....please let me stay."

Andi? "Bravo!" I think it's gonna work.

9:26pm: Night falls over the Santa Clarita track

"Why do you think you haven't found your soulmate yet?" asks Andi. Chris tells of a woman he'd actually gotten engaged to, something that ultimately didn't work out. "It was in my head, not in my heart."

"This date means more to me than you probably even know," says Andi, pinning the Rose on Chris. NO KISSING. SAVE IT FOR EPISODE THREE.

...because Episode Two, of course, has to feature some kind of private concert from a band we've never heard of before (This Wild Life).

WAIT WAIT WAIT they do kiss on the dance floor, hands all over each other within the bounds of the episode two contract. "I'm so happy right now," says Andi.

9:16pm: Andi and Chris bet on some ponies

Andi shows up in another stunning outfit, which makes me wish I'd been a suitor on this show (sort of). "Andi is my dream girl," says Chris, based on what he's seen so far.

They're at Santa Anita race track drinking mint juleps and putting money down on some horses. A nearby elderly couple who are not actors at all, come on, asks Andi how long they've been together. "It's our first date!" Fake, yes. Cheesy, yes. But nice!

...maybe Chris is getting a little ahead of himself, though with comments like "I'm here with the most amazing woman on this entire planet."

9:08pm: Dealing with drunk Craig, and sexy Marcus

Craig is so drunk he can barely make his way out of the hot tub. All of the other guys find it very distracting to their dating goals. Andi's thrown, too, maybe to an unnecessary degree, as she wonders -- like all Bachelorettes must wonder! -- if her guys are there for the right reasons.

Eventually Craig is taken back to his room, and Marcus gets the rose. Marquel is kind of bummed that he didn't get to talk to Andi. Hopefully he doesn't go home, or he will leave the house filled with regret!

8:54pm: Post-date "seriousness"

"Can we have a cheers so I can have a drink of this?" says Craig, whose drinking will clearly be a problem this season!

PS - It must be said that while ABC is doing everything in its power to cut it out of the frame, Andi is wearing a very sexy outfit. We should take a moment to celebrate it, and her.

"Josh is a stud, dude, says Craig, as he takes down another few beers." Hahahaha you can see it in his face and every interaction. "Craig has an overbearing personality as it is," says and thinks everyone.

DATE CARD INTERRUPTION. Chris lands it. "Let's get out love on track." OW-OW.

OPERA SINGER INTERRUPTION. He tries to serenade Andi, who can only say "woooooow" in that faux-impressed way.

CRAIG INTERRUPTION. He wanders the house trying to find Andi, which he does. Andi's a good sport about it, until Craig launches himself into the pool with another guy. "They do get that they're here to date, right?"

8:45pm: Don't worry, all the stripper proceeds go to charity

Craig, CLOWN OF THE GROUP, decides to boost his package with some artificial enhancement. Alright! ("I do care about taking my shirt off next to Josh. He's incredible!" Craig, again.)

Despite their protests, all of these men know exactly what they are doing. And not just on stage, but in the crowd, too! Literally the only guy who seems at all apprehensive is Marcus, which tells us everything we need to know about the role he'll play on the show.

"Some of them looked like they had worked it before." HAHAHAHAHAHA NO SHIT, ANDI.

8:34pm: These guys could not be more excited to find themselves at a male exotic dancing revue

"I hope she loves me," says Craig. "I love her!" Methinks the lady doth protest, and too soon, but whatever!

As you might expect, the date is male stripping! Even the guys who claim to be nervous are definitely very confident on stage.

Hahaha Carl is an ACTUAL firefighter! So he already knows the moves and swagger he'll need to really pull this off.

Marcus, meanwhile, who Andi thinks is very attractive, finds himself with the solo routine. But because he's normal, he's feeling nervous and anxious! (We like Marcus.)

8:22pm: The date continues

Andi can't stop going on about all the ways in which Eric is a TOTAL CATCH. He travels like crazy AND can sing a little bit. (I'm just jealous, obviously.)

He tells Andi about his time in Syria, caught by militants. He thought he was going to die, and texted his parents as much. YIKES. "Syria isn't a place I would have taken you."

BACK AT THE HOUSE. Date card for tomorrow reveals...Ryan, Marquel, Bradley, Craig, Rhett, Patrick, Cody, Carl, Tazos, John, Ron, Marcus, Nick S., and Dylan. (Maybe those are their names? Who knows.) They're going to "bare" their souls, which suggests they will be dancing naked and/or going to see a group therapist.

Eric gets the Rose, obviously, and we're happy for him because he's clearly a good dude. "Here's to the best first date I've ever had." (Just cool it with the volcano story one-upsmanship, dude.)

8:11pm: WHERE ARE WE GOING?!?

Eric loves not just the beach but also the mountains, because he's a citizen of the world. World-class snowboarder or something LOUIE VITO is stoked to be there teaching these radical peeps how to carve powder like a pros. He's gone before long, though, leaving Eric and Andi to do their thing on their own. Lots of french-frying down the mountain.

"He's good at everything," says Andi. "Pretty epic first date."

8:00pm: First date with Eric

All of the guys bend over backwards to describe just how lovely Andi's smile is, how their hearts are just sinking to not be there with Andi. Since the show's about Andi and not them, we won't get to see the pillow fights they have back at the house in her absence!

Eric gets the first date. "He's so immersed in culture!" Which of course leads to them hitting the beach and making sandcastles. Then they hop in a helicopter, which flies them up and down the coast. Because Eric has seen this show before, he can tell that there's probably more to the date than just a helicopter ride.