9 Truly Absurd Quotes From Donald Trump's Speech To The National Press Club

In a speech on Tuesday, Donald Trump gave a speech about branding to the National Press Club and, in classic Trump fashion, said a bunch of absurd things. On the other hand, who knows personal branding better than Trump? At the speech, Trump covered the usual topics, like how great he is; how Obama's birth certificate remains suspect; how America's airports are like third-world countries; how he didn't really run for president but if he had he probably would've won; how the United States is dumb; and did we mention Donald Trump is great?

During the speech, Trump also mentioned that he's building the tallest building in Washington, though in classic Trump form, that's a sorta-kinda lie. The Washington Monument is the tallest building in Washington, followed by a basilica, followed by the Old Post Office Building that Trump is rehabbing into a hotel. Similarly, he tugged at his hair, saying it is "actually my hair." It probably is, in that it belongs to him.

Honestly, for all his failures, Trump has to be one of the most savvy narcissists in the world. He has basically built an empire on hubris and a toupee alone. God love him.

1. "I have some of the best websites in the world."

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Trump said he could build a website for $3, in contrast to the "$5 billion" Healthcare.gov. Or so he said. The actual cost of Healthcare.gov? More like $1 billion.

"We're up to almost $5 billion, and it's a really, very sad thing," Trump said, inaccurately, in front of a bunch of journalists.

2. "I have millions of followers. Millions. I don't do press releases any more. ... It's like owning The New York Times without the lawsuits."

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Trump thinks having a Twitter account is similar to owning The New York Times.

3. "We haven't had a success in years. Where have we had a success? ... We have nothing."

Trump was talking about the U.S. His main evidence for this appeared to be 1) rich Chinese and Russian people; 2) the recent VA scandal; and 3) Benghazi.

4. "I never said I was running [for president]. ... I don't know what happened to Mitt Romney. It looked like he was going to do fine. I was leading in every poll. I was doing great."

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Probably if Trump ran for president in 2012, he would've won, unlike Mitt Romney.

Later, he teased, in classic Trump form:

We’re going to see what happens in '16. If I don’t see the right person I will do something in '16, I will do it sure as you’re sitting here.

5. "By the way, I have great respect for China. I have many Chinese friends. They live in my buildings all over the place."

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Donald Trump has lots of Chinese friends.

6. "Fellas, you're gonna take our food and you're gonna love our food."

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Trump thinks that if he was negotiating with Japan on the Trans-Pacific Partnership, a free-trade agreement in the works that recently hit some setbacks in that country, the deal would be done already. The deal's been held up over Japanese farmers' concerns about protecting their industry.

If I was the negotiator for that deal, you'd have so much food pouring into Japan right now they wouldn't know what to do with it.

7. "Why aren't we smart? We used to be brilliant."

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Trump said he thinks America is "dumb."

We have leadership that is either — something wrong with them or they're not intelligent or — there's something wrong. Maybe it's lobbyists.

8. "They're like third-world country airports, falling apart."

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Airports suck in America, Trump says, plagiarizing himself. He said the exact same thing in 2011. Trump specifically called out Reagan National Airport, LaGuardia, JFK, Newark and LAX. Why do these airports suck?

...They have terrazzo floors inside that are so terrible. ... They fix 'em with asphalt.

Trump has clearly never experienced the glory of Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport.

9. "Not even a little bit. I don't regret it. Why would I regret it?"

On spearheading rumors that President Barack Obama was actually born in Kenya, Trump said he didn't regret it. Even though he added that "there's a very big chance" Obama was born in America. Reasons Trump might regret it? Because it's incredibly racist. Just for starters.