With Aaryn, Kaitlin and GinaMarie up for eviction, there's no getting around it—a woman will leave the Big Brother house tonight. Ladies, we had a great run, but it ends now. (Yes, I am taking credit on behalf of our entire gender, if only to justify the irrationally huge emotional stake I have in this show.)
After a week of sowing paranoia with a nonexistent MVP, Big Brother's felt more like 1984 than ever lately. Chenbot reveals that—surprise, surprise—Aaryn had
been America's first choice for eviction. Elissa, who garnered the second-most votes, was put on the block
only because Judd had already nominated Little Miss Racist himself.
It's becoming clear that Judd is simply too nice to be good at Big Brother. The dilemma, as he sees it: Kaitlin is a strong player, having nearly won both of the last two HoH competitions, but she's also a better person than Aaryn (duh—my vacuum is a better person than Aaryn).
Judd, honey. Of course you eliminate Kaitlin. Of course you do. As Helen puts it, "Between Kaitlin and Aaryn, who is more dangerous?" It's not your divinely mandated role to punish good and evil (the real world's got that covered); this is a reality show. For money. Strangers on the Internet are watching you poop. In a way, Judd's wishy-washiness is kind of adorable. Within a day of forging a secret alliance with Spencer, Kaitlin and Howard, he spills the beans to Helen like a guilty Catholic schoolboy at confession.
Angling for another week in the house, Aaryn promises Helen that she'll throw the next HoH competition, or else choose the nominees in conjunction with He-lissa's master plan. But when the increasingly unlikeable Elissa starts dishing secrets to Kaitlin, the entire house gets caught up in a cringeworthy round of he said she said they said you said I said.
I'm a rabidly proud Jersey girl, but I felt like setting my driver's license on fire when I heard GinaMarie shout, "New York, New Jersey, holla!" in her eviction speech—which, of course, wouldn't be complete without a characteristic Misery-style ode to Nick.
This week's HoH competition, Roulette Me Win, requires each houseguest to throw a ball onto a enormous roulette wheel. The player whose ball finds its way into the highest-numbered slot wins. I'm pretty sure this is not how roulette works, at all. Will we be hitting the nickel slots to decide PoV?
Just when I'm ready to dismiss this as the most anti-climactic HoH competition of all time, Aaryn's ball lands on 36, the highest number on the board. I audibly gasp, to the great displeasure of my napping cat.
Lo and behold, the blonde-haired, blue-eyed spawn of Satan is named Head of Household for a second time. Aaryn may have pledged her allegiance to Helen, but can she really be trusted? (Spoiler: Proooobably not.)
Image via CBS