North Korea sure loves its sports, so it's time to give back to its athletes. North Korea's mushroom institute has developed a mushroom-flavored sports drink for its hard-working players, meant to do wonders for athletes' bodies. This makes so much sense, because there's really nothing like playing a long, intense game of basketball and gulping down a nice, refreshing glass of cream of mushroom soup afterwards. It's a crime that it's taken this long to develop this totally real craving into an actual sports drink.
The Korean Central News Agency announced Friday that researchers at the Microbiological Research Institute of the State Academy of Sciences have used mushroom fungus to cultivate a brand-new mushroom drink, which is said to enhance the physical abilities of athletes and help them recover from fatigue. The report doesn't mention anything else, like how exactly mushroom fungus will improve someone's athletic ability, how it mitigates fatigue, or just how delicious this mushroom-infused drink will taste (will it be frothy? carbonated? will it have electrolytes?). But these are minor details, I suppose.
This new mushroom invention will likely be just one of many to come, as the secretive state has recently completed its Central Mushroom Research Institute in the capital of Pyongyang. Yup. An entire institute solely devoted to mushroom growing.
According to a KCNA report from last October, the institute "is a mushroom research center built according to the noble intention of Kim Jong Un making a new history of industrialization of mushroom growing." Apparently, Kim is helping to realize the visions of his predecessors (and grandfather and father, respectively), Kim Il-sung and Kim Jong-il, of "turning the DPRK into a huge producer of mushroom." Kind of gives new meaning to taking over the family business.
The report goes on to spew a bunch of tech talk that commoners unenlightened by mushroom cultivation, like myself, can't possibly comprehend. "Calling for providing proper scientific and technological guidance to the mushroom producing units, [Kim Jong-un] underlined the need to consolidate the data base related to the research and cultivation of mushroom and actively apply advanced technology and widely disseminate it among the relevant units." Sounds very, very serious.
Jokes aside, however, the saddest part of this new development is that it's probably the best news North Korean citizens will receive all day. And who said the drink won't be mandatory?
Here are some mushroom products we're expecting next from North Korea...
- Honey Bunches of Shrooms cereal
- Spores For Your Pores mushroom face wash
- Give Your Room the Smell of Shroom home fragrances
- Fungals stacked potato chips
- Mush-Lush deluxe cosmetics
- Groom Like a Shroom hair care
- Spores Light mushroom beer