It's Sunday, which is not the usual time for us to be watching and/or discussing The Bachelorette. But we have to presume that they're airing double episodes this week because they're so damn good. (Or else, I don't know, ABC is trying to plug some holes in their lineup.)
Here we go!
9:41pm: ROSES ROSES ROSES
To be fair, Andrew does seem like sort of a douchebag. But you don't need to be, like catty about it.
..of course then the guy gets a Rose, and that changes everything. The opera singer - gone. Some other Greek-looking guy - gone. Ahhhhhhh and Bradley (the opera singer) isn't doing great in this post-show interview.
"Cheers to next week!" (When SHIT GOES DOWN.)
9:31pm: Nick sabotages Eric's time with Andi
Nick couldn't wait to let Andi know what was up with him. "I kinda missed you." Eric: "I got cock-blocked by a bouquet of flowers." YOU GOTTA PLAY BY THE RULES, NICK.
JJ, too, is a big rule-follower -- apparently Andrew scored a waitress' number the other night right after the big group date. Josh and JJ confront him with lots of "man the fuck up"s that will surely explode in the span of the next 23 minutes.
9:18pm: Following up with JJ sans old people makeup
"I feel a level of comfort with you that feels good." Andi agrees! We're in Rose Country, obviously.
And back at the house, things get a little heavy as one of the guys relays the story of his brother dying of a drug overdose.
9:08pm: The old person date continues as Ron packs up to go home
"I feel like I can be whoever I want around JJ," says Andi, as they have more and more fun together. They kiss on the tire swing, in old person makeup. "I feel like the luckiest fuckin' guy in the world," says JJ, pantsaprenuer (sp).
Hahahahaha JJ hands Andi a Werther's, and all my cynicism about this show melts away because it's just a wonderful and funny and genuine moment. This show is infuriating -- 12 parts ridiculously contrived scenarios, 1 part people genuinely enjoying each other's company.
8:58pm: Recreating 'Bad Grandpa' with JJ
The makeup team works overboard to make JJ look as horrible as possible, while Andi retains the eternally youthful visage of Helen Mirren, or my grandmother Jane Kurtz.
Hahahaha Andi wants to COMMIT to this act, stooping her shoulders and speaking with "old lady voice" as best she can. From there, it's onto an afternoon of Rascal scootin'.
8:46pm: Andi reviews her group date suitors
You know what? Andi's got some moves. "Some of the guys have been saying that...you've got a girlfriend." Cody's taken aback...before Andi reveals that she's bullshitting, man!
"I have yet to see any flaws in Andi." "She's the total package." Hahahahaha these ladies doth protest.
(Also, this exchange with Marquel: "What's your favorite color?" "Does black count?" "Duly noted.")
Josh gets the Rose, upsetting all of the other guys but especially Marcus ("everything happens for a reason"). Oh, Marcus -- this isn't going to end well.
8:38pm: The guys perform "I'll make love to you" with aplomb, or something
So obviously 95% of these suitors are white, which means their stage presence isn't dynamite but features some dad-level enthusiasm, especially singing in Boyz II Men's outfits from the early 90s.
Naturally, the opera singer knows this is HIS moment to shine, to belt his opera-loving heart out to the crowds at...whatever outdoor Southern California shopping center they're at.
8:25pm: Boyz II Men is here to turn these 'Bachelorette' boys inII Men
Confession: I know next to nothing about Boyz II Men and I feel terrible about it. They're Andi's friends, or so she says. One of the Boyz tries to offer Andi and the guys some singing lessons, which is really just "look at someone intently." It seems to work!
"We tried to give these guys as much advice as we could" -Boyz II Men.
8:12pm: "How are you single?"
Nick recounts a failed relationship, which he described as immature but instructive -- he couldn't be where he is today without the lessons he learned back then. "If this could work, I feel fortunate to have lived through that." Does he get a rose? Duh, he gets a rose. Come on. For Andi to not give the First Impression Rose a Second Impression Rose would be a flagrant affront to this whole process.
8:00pm: Andi's Date with First Impression Rose Winner Nick (V.)
It's just a normal, chill day! Beach and wine and Santa Barbara. Andi's convinced that if they got together this is how they'd spend, you know, every day. And I admire her optimism.
Naturally, all the guys back at the house can't stop going on and on about Nick's chances, or whether he's there for the right reasons. Me? He's there for the right reasons. The mere fact that he's not sporting a Vineyard Vines tie tells me everything I need to know about this guy.