Oh Jeez, John Stamos: 'My Man is a Loser' Is Awful

Oh, Hollywood: why are we here? What is it about this now-antiquated plot point in our cultural understanding of men and women — wherein dudes are clueless lugheads and women are nagging albatross — that cinema insists is still not only relevant, but hilarious and profitable? Is it the putrid stench of desperational ahyucks or the promise of mansplainin' with a happily ever HELL YEAH, BRO? How is it that some days feel like two steps forward and others feel like 500 steps back in the wrong direction when it comes to Hollywood doings? As much as we love us some John Stamos, we are not feeling the trailer for his latest, My Man is a Loser . Probably because it makes everyone in it look like a loser.

Here's the premise: two dudes don't understand their wives! Because ladies be so tricky to understand because they have V-A-G-I-N-A-S, amirite? Enter: lothario with a heart of gold, Mike (Stamos), a singleforever dude who knows exactly what these man-types need: to listen to their wives! Not to pull a Doge but so wise, many insights. Very wow.

Mike is a straight up Hitch compilation of stereotypical, alpha-male-overcompensating bits, the überman with a single plan: to get himself lots of ladies. So many that he can't even remember their names after he's done schtuppin' 'em! Har har har what a cad! Mike is enlisted by his two married friends Marty (Michael Rapaport) and Paul (Bryan Callen) to get their groove back (non-Stella-style) in order to save their apparently disastrous marriages. Because they have NO IDEA what these ladies want! And why in the world wouldn't they just, you know, ask them? It definitely/always works better when you get these things mansplained to you, you see.

The film's tagline is literally "Sometimes it takes a player to help you score with your wife." Which is great...if by "great" you mean there are not enough eyerolls in the world for this and oh my god are we really at this point, still, even though it's 2014, and do the dudes who make movies (because I mean, CLEARLY with this one, right? I don't even need to go to the IMDB page to know this) really think this is charming and cute and aww-shucksy adorable?

Honestly, with films like this, everyone loses. The men, the women, and the audience. Particularly that last one because they're the ones that have to see it. Men are given the clueless imbecile treatment while women are whitewashed as harpies and nags (but it's OK/better because oh look, the movie tells you that these dudes totally "married up"!) unless they're smoking hot, in which case they're sex goddesses. To steal what I am SURE is likely a line from the film: COOL STORY, BRO!

You know, I am well aware that this film is being billed as a comedy (rather than a tragedy, which is interesting!), and that the writer/director Mike Young is wanting to highlight the I-don't-know-why-this-is-still-a-thing gender divide in terms of romantical expectations. But guess what? The only ones that think a.) that the divide really exists in any sort of gender-specific way, and b.) that it's funny, are the people who make movies like this.

Better luck next time, Stamos.