For three straight days, I donned boots in 80 degree weather, slathered on sunscreen like it was miracle cream, and roamed back and forth across sun-drenched fields on New York's Randall's Island all for one reason: Gov Ball. The once quiet Randall's Island park was a temporary wonderland, complete with twinkling strings of balloons, every delicious snack you could dream of, and more bar tents than medics, bathrooms, and ATMs combined. It was perfect: Outkast Friday night, Lucius Saturday morning, James Blake Sunday afternoon, and hundreds of men in every direction.
And just like in the outside world, the musical festival world comes with a wide variety of dudes — all of which see their typical behaviors exacerbated by the freedom of drinking outside, dancing in the sun, and seeing more musicians in one day than should be humanly possible.
Now, I wouldn't often recommend searching for Mr. Right in a dust cloud swirling around the crowd at one of 16 shows that day (or even idyllic grassy knoll that holds the giant Jenga game the Gov Ball folks so kindly set up) but I wouldn't recommend keeping to yourself either. Gov Ball (and let's be honest, music festivals in general) are the perfect place to temporarily befriend everyone you possibly can, dance a little, sweat a little, and perhaps even swoon a little. And that's when you'll meet these 23 music-loving dudes:
1. The Starfish
This dude gets as close to the center of the festival as humanly possible and lays face-up with all his limbs sprawled out. Oh, is Tanslines playing? This guy didn't notice.
2. Cargo Shorts Dude
You've got a backpack, this guy's got a water bottle, wallet, sunscreen, a sandwich, and an entire mini bar in his 14 utility pockets.
3. Hashtag Guy
He's hoping to get internet famous, one Instagram of his #conehead helmet at a time.
4. Costume Dude
Hashtag Guy's less industrious cousin. He'll wear a Luigi (of Mario Bros. fame) costume all day in hot, sticky weather with no hope of becoming a trending topic.
5. No Shirt Sam
Board shorts and a singlet? Too much clothing for this stud. (Fun fact: Childish Gambino is this dude.)
6. Beach Ball Bro
He can't enjoy a show unless that ball is bouncing the whole. damn. time. (Note: He's not to be confused with Hula Hoop guy, who somehow snuck in a giant, colorful children's toy without issue.)
7. Toasty
He is having a grand ol' (green ol') time, and he will accidentally walk right into you. Oh, were you standing there?
8. Girlfriend Guy
He looks oh-so miserable, but his girlfriend wanted to be here, so he's being a trooper. Whatta doll.
9. Amorous Guy
Just bought the ticket to cop a feel under the sun. The beach just quite doesn't do it for him.
10. Open-Eyed Makeout Guy
WHY. I just want to dance to Sleigh Bells, dude.
10. Humpty Dancer
He's having an awesome time, but why exactly does he have to violate the air like that?
11. The Strutter
He's always holding a beer and never not looking to see if anyone's checking him out.
12. Inexplicably Perfect Hair Guy
Couldn't care less if he's being checked out, and yet every one is looking (even if it's just to figure out how his hair stays so nice when the rest of us are dripping with sweat).
13. Sunburn Guy
Sunscreen is for wimps. (At least that's what he tells himself every time someone accidentally scuffs his bright red shoulder.)
14. The Explorer
He's so wildly prepared to face the elements that you're not sure if he's ready for a festival or a walkabout in the Australian Outback.
15. Media Dude
He fucking. hates. festivals. (Though to be fair, you had the same thought when you accidentally got in the Flower Crown line instead of the beer line.)
16. VIP Guy
He's elusive, because he spends most of his time in shady cabana, but when he emerges he sticks out like a sore thumb. He fucking. hates. festivals. too.
17. The Best Guy You Will Ever Meet
Where did he come from? Who knows? Who cares? He's a great dancer and he knows the best spot to watch the headliner without getting trampled. You will never see this person again in your life.
18. The Vultures
At first, you think these dudes are the Best Guys You Will Ever Meet, but eventually they wear out their welcome and then you're lying about sudden onset illness or fatigue.
19. The Commentator
"You know, these guys aren't nearly as amazing as they were at Coachella last year." Excuse me while I pull a muscle rolling my eyes.
20. Fedora Guy
Again: WHY. It only looks good in a black and white movie, folks.
21. The "I Know A Guy" Guy
Somehow, this person "knows" everyone involved with every band you love. You're not bothered by the bragging as long as it gets you a meet -and-greet with Andre 3000.
22. The Guy Who's Totally In That Band You Can't Remember The Name of Right Now
Yeah, he loves pesto Arancini too. Be cool.
23. The Totally Normal Dude That You Question Because of Dudes 1-22
Are your sure your shorts don't have zip-on extensions? Or maybe your shoes have those hide-a-away roller blades in them? Secret Luigi costume? Nothing?
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