Some weeks you've got double the Bachelorette episodes, just a plethora of Bachelorette-related hours you can enjoy (or not, depending!). And then other weeks, like this one, you sit down to your favorite dating show/twisted sociological experiment and discover it's a goddamn clip show.
Already!?! I guess you forget how quickly this thing moves (we're already more than halfway through the season), maybe because sometimes it seems to move so, so slowly. In any case here we are, and we can either whine about it or embrace the ridiculousness of recapping a recap. The modern era is chockfull of complicated questions for all of us.
8:58pm: Oh thank god, it's actually only an hour
Next week everyone heads to Marseilles, which is filled with mimes and people saying "I'm happy" and Nick claiming to be the frontrunner and Andy desperately trying to hide his secret girlfriend, or the phone number he gave that waitress, or whatever he did. It's going to be a wild, raucous time for all of us!
8:47pm: "The Rose ceremony you never got to see"
Wait, wait, wait -- didn't we skip this last week out of respect for the deceased? Kind of shitty -- kind of really shitty -- to then just air it a week later in a clip show which of course any Bachelorette fan is still going to watch.
Patrick, who I'm not sure I've heard speak once all season, gets a rose. Meanwhile poor Marquel is standing there wondering if he's going to stick around -- eventually he gets his rose, but still -- and we're all very upset. Tasos went home. "It was a small part of my life, but it was the best part of my life so far."
And all I'm thinking is holy moly, how are we going to fill the next 67 minutes.
8:39pm: Nick V.'s lameness finally explored
Nick V. was the guy that got the first impression rose so many weeks ago, and has arguably taken that initial win as justification for some...we'll call them "extra credit" moves since. Handwritten love letters to Andi. One-on-one date moments in inappropriate times. And he did it again after Andi's conversation with Eric, apparently, rushing to console her and bogarting the woman from the rest of the group.
We get some actually interesting behind the scenes footage where Nick tries to justify swooping in there. The other guys accuse him of being arrogant, selfish. Which he is! I'm glad we can all agree!
8:26pm: Remember when Eric wasn't telling Andi what was wrong with her?
Flashback to the very first one-on-one date with Eric and a very sexy string bikini (worn by Andi, not Eric), but I know I'm not in this show's target audience when the narrator immediately segues to a comment about the suit Chris wore at the Santa Anita racetrack.
Then Nick's hiking date. Dylan's difficult memories train date. Marcus and Andi "really going out on a limb to find love" hanging from the side of the Mohegan Sun Resort & Casino.
Of course all of these dates pale in comparison to the old people date Andi and pantsapreneur JJ go on, which remains the highlight of the season and the perfect Six Feet Under flashforward end for both of them.
8:14pm: The guys are ecstatic to be at this all-male revue (among other group dates)
No v/o for the start of this segment, taking us back to the stripper revue from episode two. Just footage, speaking for itself.
Then we get the rest of the boring group dates, which we've already covered a little this season. (V/o: "in true Bachelor fashion, this date [basketball] was a heartbreaker.)
8:00pm: Meet the suitors (again!)
"Who in the hell is this voiceover?" asks the person sitting next to me. And I ask myself the same thing -- it's not Chris Harrison. So is it...Satan, his master? Hopefully the episode is building to a big reveal here...
I love the word “journey” so much — it encompasses everything, from grad school to romance to Lord of the Rings. It’s the “cool” of travel words.
Andi notes here -- and has noted since -- just how "hot" Marcus is, and all I can think is that Marquel is way hotter. (That is, before the cookie tasting. Oh god, Marquel — I can’t think of a quicker way to friend zone a girl than to focus so intently on the cookies.)
“I’m getting pants, I’m getting cookies, I’m getting golf lessons.”
And then there's Chris Harrison, who you can just picture snapping his fingers and disappearing in a cloud of smoke, while Satanic laughter echoes in the background.