BREAKING NEWS: Kim Kardashian and Kanye West joined forces by way of marriage the twenty-fourth day of May in the year 2014. BREAKING NEWS, PART TWO: Friends of Kimye Beyoncé and Jay Z did not attend the ceremony. BREAKING NEWS, PART THREE: Breaking news items one and two are not breaking news items. BREAKING NEWS, PART FOUR: Kris Jenner addressed Bey and Jay's decision to not attend the Kimye wedding.
Why, oh why did Queen Bey and J-Hova skip out on the kelebration to end all kelebrations? There are some theories, of course, but I sure as shoeshine don't know the truth. Might Jenner give us the answer? Might Jenner spill all of the Queen Bey tea?!
Erm, no. Sorry, folks. If Jay and Bey did pass on the wedding for some juicy reason, Kris is far too PR-savvy to get into it. Tuesday morning, the matriarch of the Kardashian-Jenner crew told Australian radio station KIIS FM 106.5 that she “never really gave [Bey and Jay's absence] a second thought.”
Lucky you, Jenner. Because I gave their absence so many second thoughts. I continue to give their absence many second thoughts. I haven't stopped thinking about their absence. She continues:
"If you had been there, you would have thought that was the last thing on anyone's mind."
Again, lucky you, Jenner. I wish I was there. But rather than watch Kimye walk down the aisle and admire Jaden Smith's costume IRL, I sat at home in sweatpants and wondered why Bey and Jay didn't go. I thought Jay and Ye were BFFs. They're The Throne, for chrissake. No one messes with The Throne. What is life? What is love? Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more.
"[I] just assumed they were working."
Oh. Okay. I see. Plead that fifth and shrug away, Jenner. Shrug away.