'Keeping Up With the Modigliani-shians'

by Kristie Rohwedder

One of my favorite things about Keeping Up With the Kardashians is how hard it commits to its B plots. The storylines can be so left fieldy and contrived, but I don't care. I love them. KUWTK is on its ninth season, so yes, we’ve seen a lot of B plots. And the spectacular B plots keep on comin': Kris Jenner wanted to be on Broadway. Kim Kardashian was obsessed with Kylie Jenner's Tumblr. Rob Kardashian used a chainsaw to make wooden sculptures. What'll they think of next?!

During Sunday night’s episode, Bruce Jenner confronted Kris Jenner about her need to dig her claws into his life, Kim shared an anecdote about North peeing on Kanye West, Kris took Bruce and Kylie Jenner to an incredible cliffside yoga class, and Kim found a hair in a dish prepared by Bruce. It was a gripping episode of television, would watch again.

"What about the B plot?" you ask. "Was there a bonkers secondary story?"

Oh. Oh my god. THE B PLOT. It was. So. Good. Experts were consulted. A laboratory was involved. A cat jumped on a painting. The show played to win this week.

While it wasn't as transcendent as the “Rob does chainsaw art” subplot, it was a wonderful, very Kardashian-y secondary storyline: Scott Disick and Kourtney Kardashian think they have an extremely valuable piece of art on their hands. A good chunk of the hour is devoted to a painting. Is it real? Is it fake? Where'd that cat come from? Did the cat really just jump on the painting? Did the producers put the cat up to it? Can I hold that cat?

It's an Art-dashian mystery, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

The Modigliani Mystery

Kourtney has a painting shipped from Scott's parents' house to Calabasas. Is it a commissioned portrait of Scott? Nope. She thinks it might be a painting by Modigliani (I don’t know a lot about art, but Kourtney says Modigliani is “major.” I will take her word for it), and she wants to see this maybe-gold mine in the flesh. Scott is sus: He doubts his parents had a crazy-rare painting lying around their house. If it is real, Kourtney and Scott say it could be worth $100 million.

They discuss whether or not they should have it appraised (Scott’s in the “let’s just pretend it’s real and not have our dreams dashed by an appraiser” camp, and Kourtney, because she is her mother's daughter, wants to know the truth). After some deliberation, Kourtney, to Scott's chagrin, has it looked at by professionals. And then… WE FIND OUT THE ANSWER. I was on the edge of my seat. IS THE PAINTING REAL?! ARE SCOTT AND KOURTNEY $100 MILLION RICHER?! OR IS IT A WORTHLESS PIECE OF CANVAS?! AHHHHHHHHH.

“If it’s fake, I’m cracking it over my knee and throwing it in the basura,” says Kourtney. I'm right there with you, Kourt. I will crack my iPad over my knee and throw it in the basura in solidarity. Ya know, because my iPad is the vessel through which the painting entered into my life.

An appraiser tells them the painting could be real, but that they should get a second opinion. This sends Scott into a tailspin. He's aboard the Modigliani train now. He begins picking out carpet for a private jet, natch. When Kourtney reminds him that he wasn't into the painting before the appraiser stopped by, Scott says, “I’ve always been into being ultra-rich.”

Wait. Aren't they already ultra-rich? Aren't they, like, the richest people on the planet? No? Huh. Clearly, I don't read Forbes.

Kourtney brings in an art conservator. He puts on his art goggles and inspects the painting. He can't determine its realness. Its realosity. Its realdeal steez. He takes a sample of the painting to a lab, and a week later, Scott and Kourtney receive the results.

What if it's real? What if Kourtney and Scott actually have a piece of art by a major artist? Will they sell it and move out of their house? Will they decide they don't need the show anymore? Will a painting change everything?!?!

Well, the painting is not an original Modigliani, so it does not change everything. (The lab found titanium in the paint, and Modigliani was pre-titanium.) Womp womp.

BUT! The results also say that the painting is from the '30s, so it has some value. Silver lining, eh Scott?

"Oh, suck me dry," Scott says, smacking the paper. Kourtney might take the news in stride, but Scott is crushed. He knew this would happen. Some of us might've been optimistic, but we should've trusted Scott's gut. Because now we're sitting on a fake painting and a shattered private jet dream. And it's a letdown. And it makes for an uncomfortable chair.

(No, I didn't crack my iPad over my knee. I chickened out.)

Image: E!