'The Canyons' Critics Are Not On Board With a Lindsay Lohan Comeback

Landing a role in a movie like The Canyons was the best shot Lindsay Lohan has had at a comeback since she became someone who needs to have a comeback. For a widely missed starlet with little to no acting ability and a huge base of fans that would fall over themselves to see her do something — anything — worthwhile, a self-referential role in an edgy, high-profile indie movie should have been the key to redemption.

In Paul Schrader's highly anticipated (or feared, depending on where you're standing) The Canyons, fallen, jaded Hollywood actress Lindsay Lohan plays a fallen, jaded Hollywood actress named Tara. Her wanna-be director boyfriend is played by porn star James Deen — who also managed to get strictly horrible reviews, by the way — and the two lead the story through dramatic rivalries, betrayals, and a poorly-lit foursome.

Any critic who attended this movie's world premiere last night at Lincoln Center awoke this morning with a million terrible, hilarious things to say about it. Every one of them is having a much better day than Lindsay, who hopefully doesn't bother to read her own reviews. Here are some of the best summaries of the critics' collective feelings about The Canyons:

Among this onslaught of witty anti-Lohan diatribes, Scott Foundas at Variety stands alone as her one tireless supporter, or possibly as the only professional critic who got this movie:

All right, Scott — we'll give it a shot, but we're not promising not to cry when Lindsay Lohan takes her top off and all we see are sad Parent Trap flashbacks.

Here's the trailer, in case you wanted to see: