As if there weren’t already enough reality shows about doing things naked, TLC's Buying Naked returns Saturday, a real estate series that encourages everyone to strip down. Real estate agent Jackie Youngblood will take on the nudist housing market in Pasco County, Fla., AKA the “Nudist Capital of America” (I mean, really Florida? Get it together). Buying Naked is pretty much a PG-13 version of House Hunters, and to ensure you watch it the right way, I have created a viewing guide on how to watch Buying Naked the right way—naked of course. That’s right, it’s Saturday night and our pants are coming off.
BE COURTEOUS ABOUT YOUR NUDITY
Please remember that you do not actually live in a nudist colony, and your roommate probably doesn’t want to come home to a naked person chilling in front of the TV. Therefore, rule number one of Buying Naked is to warn everyone that you live with that they should probably evacuate the viewing space. Unless of course, you plan on having a naked viewing party, then by all means do what you need to do (and consider finding new friends immediately after).
On that same note, if you decide to strip down in a public area of your house/apartment, please put down a towel. Don’t be that person that sits their sweaty ass on a couch that multiple people use. It’s just rude and nobody has the time (or the patience) to scrub couch cushions when you’re done.
AVOID WARM BEVERAGES AND SPLATTER-PRONE FOODS
Imagine that you just made a fresh batch of coffee. Everything is going great and as you sit down naked in front of the TV for this terrible reality TV-viewing experience, you accidentally spill your coffee. The last thing in the world you ever want to do is spill hot coffee on your naked body. I would take coffee stains over coffee burns any day.
If you plan on making soup or pasta sauce or even frying up some bacon, just don’t. Seriously, bacon is perfect, but bacon grease on your body should be avoided at all costs.
GET CREATIVE WITH YOUR COVER-UP TECHNIQUES
TLC has apparently figured out the secret to making a naked reality show work. Instead of blurring out the private parts, they are consistently covered with various objects. For instance, in the preview one woman is sitting down behind a plate of spaghetti with two strategically placed meatballs. TLC, you really have outdone yourself with this one. Now it’s time for you to get that creative. May I suggest setting up a bowl of round fruit to cover up some certain round body parts?
DON’T TELL ANYONE ABOUT THIS
I’m warning you, if you go into work on Monday and a coworker asks you what you did on Saturday night, I would keep your naked TV experience to yourself. It’s already embarrassing enough to admit to watching Buying Naked, but including info about your nudie party will only make your coworkers question your life choices. Don’t worry though, I’m not judging you. There's nothing better than laying around your house in the nude while watching other nude people buy houses.