Don't Wear The Wrong Thing to Mapperton

I totally understand why Marissa Hermer asked the Montagu family to adopt her: Mapperton is like something from a beautifully illustrated story. It probably smells like dreams. Julie Montagu’s family’s sixteenth century tudor manor and gardens are nothing short of spectacular and the more I saw of the estate during Monday night's episode of Ladies of London, the more I wanted to go to there.

Say I somehow ended up at Mapperton. I, I don’t know, became chummy with Julie during yoga class one afternoon, and she oh-so-kindly invited me over for venison and summer pudding (something I didn’t know about until this ep. Naturally, I looked it up a recipe and now I am DYING to try it). I'd be beyond excited. I’d struggle to fall asleep each night leading up to my Mapperton adventure.

The day of, however, the realization that I didn’t know what to wear would set in. And my excitement would turn into dread. Because I couldn’t show up to Mapperton in the wrong outfit. If I showed up to Mapperton in the wrong outfit, I could be teased. Caroline Stanbury would tease me. And though Noelle Reno says that's Caroline's way of showing she likes you, I'd be too mortified in that moment to appreciate what the ribbing really meant. Call me sensitive, but I'd run to the nearest restroom, dab the anxiety-induced sweat from my brow, and ask my reflection why I wore a dress that looked like squashed raisins scraped off of a movie theater floor.

"No one would say a dress looked like 'squashed raisins scraped off of a movie theater floor,'" you may counter. Eh, I beg to differ. If there's anyone who'd read an outfit like that, it's Caroline. Or Caprice Bourret. Or Annabelle Nielsen.

Don't believe me? Please consider the following critiques/observations/jokes uttered during Monday night's ep:

• Caroline said Juliet Angus looked like a "scullery maid" and that she wanted "to give her a feather duster.
• Caroline told Juliet her dress was very My Fair Lady. She then said she wanted to put strawberries in Juliet's mouth to teach her to speak English.
• Caroline said Marissa was dressed "like she's going to a toga party."
• "Clearly, Caroline got a little confused," Caprice said in a confessional. "She thought we were going to a party in St. Tropez. Honey, one false move and your vagina is gonna fall out."
• Caroline told Noelle she looked like Cruella de Vil.
• Caroline asked Noelle “are those mothballs or is that part of the dress?”
• Annabelle said Caroline looked like a bullfighter.

Caprice and Annabelle were the only two whose outfits remained verbally unscathed. Noted. So! If I were to go to Mapperton, I guess I'd wear a long-sleeved black dress or a flowy patterned maxi dress. [Shrugs] I could manage that, yeah?

Let's be honest: I'd chicken out, pull a Karen Smith, and cancel at the last minute. Horrendous etiquette, I know. But the pressure would be unbearable! Many apologies to Julie, the Earl of Sandwich, and the Lady of Sandwich, but I'm not cut out for this sort of thing.

Image: Bravo