Everything I Learned (Today) About Real Life, I Learned from 'Big Brother'

You guys, I have to admit something: I've never watched an episode of Big Brother before. Never! Which is shocking when you consider the bereft-ness that is the summer television season in general. I just happen to have a very low threshold for idiots, racists, and the like, so I try to relegate my dumbsumption to The Bachelor/ette. At least then we're just dealing with broken hearts.

But today I watched my very first episode and, well, I learned a lot, you guys. Infinite amounts of wisdom abound from a show that's largely just about hanging out in a house and wearing key necklaces. The blondes stay together (Aaryn and GinaMarie) because, well, birds, flocking, etc. Also because: racism.

Beyond that, however, it seems a mish-mosh. Just like life! Some people are weird, others are weirder, and there's a heck of a lot of whining to be had. But that isn't to say that things can't be gleaned from that which you are unfamiliar — quite the opposite, in fact! And today I learned a lot, thanks to the brilliant minds that live in front of a series of camera lenses 24/7 for funsies, cash prizes, and the occasional public humiliation — until they get kicked out or win. Natch. Entertainment comes in many forms, and Big Brother seems to be all about other people's misery, which serves itself up on a rotating wheel of crazy. Which, really, is just like real life: we're all bumbling beasts hoping no one will notice our own hypocrisies and weirdness while we figure it all out. Alternatively, you could just be a dick trying to win a reality show. In which case, welcome to your master class. Thankfully, I have less to figure out myself and winning TV competitions because I've learned it from them. Life lessons: brought to you by the house that Chen built:

- Drinking is a huge deal. It's everything.

- If you're not invited to a party, you might as well just cry about it.

- Eviction isn't an action, it's a state of mind.

- Human nature means never having to admit you have no idea what you're talking about.

- Bots are people, too. (Especially ChenBots.)

- Be a fighter, but never "fight." It's much more fun to go to "war" with someone.

- Collateral damage is everything.

- When it doubt, hug it out.

- Keep your friends close and your frenemies closer.

- Never come between a blonde and her bleach.

- Carney blood is a thing.

- Take the bull by the horns but be careful because sometimes bulls will bumrush (and break) your buffet.

- Gingers may not have souls, but they do have supreme evasion abilities.

- Wish everyone the best of luck and pretend like you mean it, even when you totally don't mean it and everyone knows your don't mean it. Save face!

- Dance like no one's watching, sing like you're Christina Aguilera, and be honest like it's not going to be on television later.

- Megaphones aren't just for coaches and protesters.

- Keep calm and look semi-pretty.

Photo: CBS