It's like Christmas, the last day of school, and free pizza day at work all rolled into one: the Bachelorette finale is tonight, and guys, 8 p.m. Eastern time can't come soon enough. After Brooks ripped out Desiree Hartsock's heart last episode and held its heaving, bleeding mass in his hands before punting it into the clear blue Caribbean sea, we're all left wondering what will happen tonight. Bachelor creator Mike Fleiss has said it's "the weirdest ending ending" in franchise history, which totally gets our hopes up. Will Chris Harrison propose to Des? Will Des's brother meet Brooks at the airport and beat the shit out of him? Will Drew reveal he's actually a woman? So many possibilities.
But, if we get down to brass tacks, there's really only four ways this finale could wind up, and none of them are a good look for Des. (The poor thing.) Here's what we're working with:
Desiree Gets Engaged
Hey! It could happen. Maybe getting brutally dumped by Brooks shows Des that the stability provided by Chris, Drew, or a wooden totem pole is just what she needs right now, and she agrees to an engagement. Instead of taking time to heal from her obvious heartache, she's willing to tie herself down to anything that won't move — whether or not it's animate and/or a contestant on the show doesn't really matter to her at this point.
Desiree Dumps Both Dudes
It's probably the most likely scenario, which is to say, it's also the most unlikely. Would Fleiss call it the "weirdest ending" if the predictable plays out? Spending two hours with Desiree as she dumps Chris and Drew seems like where we're headed — there's just no way she could get engaged to either of them after we saw her tell Brooks that he was the one. She's lets them down easy, packs up her weird mullet tank tops, then gets the shit out of Antigua.
Brooks Comes Back & Proposes I
Maybe he has a change of heart and realizes, mid-limo ride, that he's made a huge mistake. Forget that conversation he had with his mom and sisters! Forget that sit down with Chris Harrison! Forget that he told everyone, on camera, that he didn't see a future with Des, and that she's not the love of his life! He's changed, guys, and he can't wait to be the hero who returns to beg for forgiveness. And Des, having zero ability to see the multiple red flags that he basically wears like a goddamn cape, takes him back, and they get engaged in front of the Bachelorette camera crew who can't believe what they're seeing. They live happily ever after for about two weeks, until Brooks dumps her again.
Brooks Comes Back & Proposes II
In this scenario, Brooks returns to win Des back, and before Des can say yes, the producers intervene and save her from herself. Maybe Chris Harrison shows her tape of Brooks saying he's just not that into her, maybe they bring her family around to talk her out of taking him back, or maybe they bring Emily Maynard back to confuse Brooks, enticing him to dump Des all over again. Whatever tactic is used, Des rejects Brooks (even though she so doesn't want to.)
Who knows what will happen, but those four endings seem to be the only plausible scenarios. Sure, there's always the chance that Des will just jump in the water and start swimming Cast Away style to avoid facing the inevitable — it's possible that she was studying the tides as she sat at the end of that dock, sobbing. Maybe Des is actually Tom Hanks?
This so-called weirdest ending better be good.