Uh, so Sex Panther cologne exists in real life. Just found that out this morning. Naturally, I was curious as to whether or not the real-life Sex Panther smells anything like the cologne oh-so-vividly described throughout Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. Does it sting the nostrils? Does it smell like a turd covered in burnt hair? Are there noticeable top notes of gasoline? WHAT'S REAL-LIFE SEX PANTHER LIKE?!
I could've ordered a bottle and checked it out myself, but I didn't want to wait for it to ship. Poring over Amazon.com reviews will have to suffice. According to multiple reviewers, real-life Sex Panther smells great. One reviewer says it’s reminiscent of Cool Water and Acqua Di Gio. So if you hoped to reek of gasoline, it sounds like you’re better off dousing yourself with petrol at your local gas station* than spritzing your pulse points with Sex Panther.
*TOTALLY KIDDING. DO NOT DOUSE YOURSELF WITH GASOLINE. THAT’S A TERRIBLE, UNSAFE IDEA. I REPEAT: DO NOT DOUSE YOURSELF WITH GASOLINE.
If the real-life Sex Panther isn’t anything like the movie version of Sex Panther, how might a guy or gal achieve Brian Fantana's preferred fragrance? Might a guy or gal resort to concocting their own version of Sex Panther? Hey, if said guy or gal really wants to smell like Bigfoot's nether regions, 1) that's his or her prerogative and 2) I'm here to help.
In honor of Anchorman's 10 year anniversary, I did extensive Sex Panther cologne research. Lots of trial and error. I found* that if you mix equal parts of all seven of the following scents in a Tupperware and leave said Tupperware out in the sun for 17 hours, you'll wind up with a fragrance that'll sting every last nostril. (I definitely understand perfume science.)
*Okay, okay. I didn't actually try this recipe. But I'm confident that it'll yield outstanding results. And by "outstanding" I mean "beyond foul." And by "confident" I mean "I can't stop shrugging my shoulders."
The DIY Sex Panther Recipe
Please don't procure actual bits of panther. Use this panther perfume instead.
2. CB I Hate Perfume's Burning Leaves
I couldn't find a burnt hair perfume, so this will have to do.
3. Garage by Comme des Garcons
The top notes: aldehydes, kerosene, leather, and plastic. What a Sex Panther DREAM. This one's a no-brainer.
4. Demeter Turpentine
Give the mixture an extra kick.
5. Pizza Hut
Actually, any food-inspired cologne will suffice.
6. Demeter Mildew
It sounds so awesomely gross. Had to include it.
It isn't a cologne, but it works. Drop the Sasquatch soap in the mix and allow it to melt in the sun. Gently stir every two hours.
Put 'em together and what have you got? Bibbidi-bobbidi-EW!
And there you have it! A DIY Sex Panther recipe that'd do Brian Fantana proud...
...and might completely obliterate your olfactory glands/the ozone layer/the universe.