You’re killing us, J.K. Rowling. After years of telling fans that Harry Potter was over, the secretive author celebrated the three-year anniversary of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2’s U.K. premiere on June 7 with a return to the Potterverse. On Tuesday morning, Rowling released a new Harry Potter short story on Pottermore from the point-of-view of the venomous Daily Prophet reporter, Rita Skeeter, and proved that she’s so not done making magic. So, is she ready to give up that Robert Galbraith pseudonym yet?
The new Skeeter gossip column (that can only be accessed if you're a member of the site) is just as scathing as when she took on Harry, Hermione, and the rest of the Triwizard Champions in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. But this time, they’re attending the Quidditch World Cup in Patagonia and a gray-haired, 34-year-old Harry Potter and the rest of Dumbledore’s Army is the subject of her ever-present, acid green Quick-Quotes quill. And, even though every self-respecting Potter fan thinks Rita Skeeter is an abomination to the wizarding world, this story is great.
Which prompts me to sincerely request that J.K. Rowling put a hold on her Cormoran Strike series and shelve Robert Galbraith for awhile — because Potter fans desperately need these four spin-off books to become a reality:
Rita Skeeter’s Most Scathing Daily Prophet Columns: An Anthology
Rowling could do a whole volume on that time in Order of the Phoenix during which the entire wizarding population though Harry was a nutter. Big money.
Dumbledore’s Army: The Dark Side of the Demob
Maybe Rita Skeeter can explain the phenomenon that's Neville Longbottom's trip through puberty? Because that was absolutely magic, right?
The Life & Lies of Albus Dumbledore
The biography that changed everything and fueled the Deathly Hallows subplot of Harry wondering why he'd trusted Dumbledore his entire life, just to end up with seemingly nothing. We're all Albus Dumbledore-lovers here, but Rowling owes us this information.
The Wizarding Royalty Wedding Album: Harry Potter & Ginny Weasley
They're the Will and Kate of the wizarding world — even Rita Skeeter can agree with that.
My Life With Centaurs: Dolores Umbridge's Story
What happened to that woman in the Forbidden Forest? We need to know — if only to feel like Umbridge got the punishment she deserved.