Some Sage Advice for the Baby Goose on the Way

First thing's first: I want to apologize on behalf of the entire human race, because things are not going to be easy for you at first, Baby Gosling-to-be. When you're born, to say it's going to be all "oooh!!" and "ahhhh!" and obsessive coverage of your mere existence because your parents are two of the most attractive people on the planet, is an understatement. I mean, look at how we all reacted to the mere possibility of you! But you are not your parents, wee Goosling, and so I thought you might want to know what, exactly, you're getting yourself into as a member of this here planet earth and its weird and wacky modern ways.

Baby Goose, your life is going to be odd. First thing your parents should do is invest in some baby earplugs for you — because the screams will be endless. You are going to be a divisive little thing, wee one: people will either be obsessed with you because oh man your parents are so attractive and famous... OR they're going to hate you because you are a symbol of reality that breaks from the fanciful tradition in their minds. And by that I mean they want to date one of your parents really, really badly. (Life Lesson No. 1: People are strange. Humans be crazy.)

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Your life is going to be overexposed and probably more than a little nutty, so Life Lesson No. 2 is to just try and mentally prepare for that now (is that a thing fetuses can do?). Know that, if you are a boy, you'll be expected to say "hey girl" for the rest of your days and if you are a girl, well, ha ha ha — good luck because no one's going to address you in any other way but that. I'm sorry, this is just how it works with the rest of us humans: we're simple creatures that really, really don't know when a joke has got to stop.

But of course you're going to be whatever you're going to be, and that's great. Try to remain true to who you are while discovering that (you're going to be born a baby first rather than an all-knowing adultperson, after all). And know that, despite all the terrible and gross things tabloids will say and/or compare you to because, you know, babies take up ENDLESS tabloid news cycles — from fashion to baby care to what your parents allow in your mouth because who said celebrity babies and parents were allowed to be people first, right? — you are not just a baby, wee Goosling. You are a MESSIAH OF CELEBRIATIC EXISTENCE. Life Lesson No. 3: don't let it all go to your head, baby.

Oh and Life Lesson No. 4: never read the comments on the Internet (when you learn to read, I mean). They're just the worst and most butthurt of us all. They are not the voice of "what everyone else is thinking," they're just loud and often, unfortunately, a little racist.

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Remember that just because the loudest amongst us are, well, the loudest, doesn't mean all people are shrieking banshees of fantasy fulfillment. And on the opposite end of the coin: don't expect everyone to care about you all the time. Don't get used to that spotlight of obsession. You are a person first, Baby Goose, and you need to find happiness and fulfillment in the normal, banal aspects of existence. Read lots of books and maybe stay away from the acting field until you're at least 18.

Life Lesson No. 5 is to try and carve out a bit of normalcy however you can. Because — hoo boy — once you're of legal age it's going to get really creepy and weird out there and for that I am particularly sorry. We may be humans but we're also animals. Try to keep a good attitude about it all, and laugh whenever you can.

Good luck, little duck.

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