If you've ever spent your paycheck buying leggings at Lululemon, then you know they've got some of the preachiest shopping bags in all of retail. And while some of the messages on their so-called "manifesto" are predictably inspiring ("dance, sing, floss and travel"), others make us scratch our heads and wonder, "WTF?" The latter occurred to one shopper, which prompted them to post one of the manifesto's more insane beliefs on Reddit: "sunscreen absorbed into the skin might be worse for you than sunshine. get the right amount of sunshine." But, what about skin cancer, you might ask. Business Insider took it upon themselves to remind everyone that while there are some questions about the harmful effects of sunscreen, it should not rule out all the studies and evidence that prove how dangerous sun exposure can be.
When they reached out to Lululemon for a comment, the company responded with this statement: "The manifesto design that goes on our bags is a collection of statements that are ever-evolving and intended to spark conversation that is relevant at the time. To clarify, the manifesto design on our webpage is the most up-to-date and has been used on our most recent release of manifesto print bags." Weird.
I've never really taken that much time to read my Lululemon bag — especially the fine print — but this latest controversy made me want to dissect the manifesto a little further. In addition to not wearing sunscreen, here are 9 other life lessons Lululemon would like to impart on you.
1. "An agreement is an agreement only if each party knows the conditions for satisfaction and a time is set for satisfaction to occur."
I feel like this belongs in some sort of contract rather than a shopping bag. Or is that just me?
2. "Do not use cleaning chemicals on your kitchen surfaces. Someone will inevitably make a sandwich on your counter."
Does Lululemon not believe we own cutting boards or plates? C'mon, we're not barbarians, you guys.
3. "Visualize your eventual demise."
Well, that's depressing.
4. "Don't trust that an old age pension will be sufficient."
Thou shall not make it rain.
5. "Salt + high fructose corn syrup + butter = early death"
6. "Live near the ocean and inhale the pure salt air that flows over the water (vancouver will do nicely)"
Alright, everyone, pack your things — we're moving to Canada!
7. "10-15 friends allows for real relationships."
Forget about the rest of your friends, you guys. They're all lies.
8. "The perfect tombstone would read: 'all used up'"
I feel like there might be a more eloquent and poignant way to sum up my life.
9. "children are the orgasm of life."