Michael Grimm Is Not A Heartthrob, Guys

He's been a Marine, an FBI agent, an accountant, a restaurant owner, and now New York City congressman, but Michael Grimm is taking on his most influential role yet: teen heartthrob. Last weekend, Grimm attended a constituent's sweet 16 birthday party and caused quite a ruckus. The girl and her friends acted as if Robert Pattinson were coming to the party dressed as a stripper version of Edward Cullen (translation: they freaked out). Who knew that Congressman Grimm was so popular among the teen set? And more importantly, should he be?

According to a representative for Grimm, the congressman is a family friend of the birthday girl and her parents. Nothing else is known about the lucky gal and her pals, but according to tweets, which have since been deleted, Grimm was a hit at the shindig. When the girls found out that Grimm would be making an appearance, they took to Twitter to express their glee.

According to Business Insider, one girl tweeted, "'Michael Grimm is coming.' 'Oh sh** now I have to wear nice underwear.'" (Um, excuse me, but why? I'm going to pretend like you just want to feel pretty and have no intention of flashing anyone.)

"F***ing Michael Grimm is going," another teen wrote. "I'm gonna dance with him all night and make him fall in love with me." Huh. Why? He's a middle-aged politician with possible anger issues under federal investigation over several charges. Shouldn't you be fantasizing about someone closer to your age? I hear that Zac Efron boy is quite popular among the youth.

The birthday girl posted a picture of her guest of honor and called him her "bae," which kids these days are saying to mean "before anyone else." Not sure that's entirely true in the case of 44-year-old Grimm, but who am I to rain on her parade?

So now that we're left with more questions than answers, let's examine why Grimm is suddenly a phenomenon for high schoolers. Also, why they should seriously look elsewhere.

Heartthrob Appeal

Grimm has made it onto several hottest politicians and eligible bachelor lists, presumably for his piercing blue eyes, chiseled jawline, megawatt smile, and full head of hair. And as a former Marine, he knows how important physical exercise is, but he's old-school about it.

"I still do workouts from the '70s," the congressman said during an interview in his office, according to the Hill. "I'm very traditional, very old-fashioned."

So you know he probably has a fitter physique than, say, Ron Paul.

The Hill also reveals that Grimm has a teacup Yorkshire terrier, which perhaps shows a softer, more sensitive side to an otherwise typical alpha male.

Major Turn-Offs

Other than his looks, Grimm's attractive traits are easily outweighed by a pretty lengthy list of red flags. If this were a dating show, kids, this is where you vote him off.

Grimm's career will probably be forever marred by the January incident in which he threatened to throw NY1 reporter Michael Scotto off a balcony and "break him in half" after President Obama's State of the Union Address. Scotto had been interviewing him and brought up a touchy subject: the federal investigation into his campaign contributions. Which brings us to the next point...

In April, Grimm was indicted on 20 counts of fraud after a two-year federal investigation into his 2010 campaign funding. His ex-girlfriend Diana Durand allegedly used straw donors to give more than the legal limit to Grimm's campaign. Grimm was also charged with federal mail, tax, and wire fraud stemming from a health restaurant he ran in New York City.

Legal troubles aside, there have been reports of his less-than-upstanding love life. In October 2013, the New York Post alleged that Grimm took a girl into the bathroom of a Brooklyn restaurant for a "17-minute sex romp." And according to the New York Daily News, the congressman, who is now single, had an affair with a married woman in 1999, which led to an altercation with the woman's husband that involved Grimm waving around his gun in the parking lot of a nightclub.

Still sound like a hottie to you? I really hope not.

Image: Twitter