Sherlock Holmes star Benedict Cumberbatch has recently addressed the potential lashing he's going to get from Julian Assange for his portrayal in Cumberbatch's upcoming movie, The Fifth Estate, saying, "The Cumberbitches have got my back." And how right he is. Assange has already deemed the film, "a massive propaganda attack," but if he even thinks about bad-mouthing our boy Benedict, he better hope the Ecuadorian embassy never lets him leave, because he is going to be tore up from the floor up by some angry Cumberbitches.
However, in the meantime, Cumberbatch fans (as in the entire female population of the world, and then some) have time to think of all the terrible things we'll do if Assange tries to diss Benedict, and trust us, we're plotting. No one disses Benedict, even if it is because he portrayed them in a movie while they were trapped in an embassy and therefore probably bored, and pissed off. Not that we're being specific or anything. Here are some of the best plans of action, should the Coaltion-To-Defend-Benedict be called into action.
1) Hack Wikileaks and turn it into a Cumberbitch fan page. Take that Assange, your precious government info has now been turned into nothing more than Sherlock Holmes erotic fan fiction! BWAHAHA.
2) Start a Kickstarter campaign to pay for Benedict Cumberbatch's lovely vacation ... in Ecuador. See, Assange? You might hate him/his portrayal but if you were him you could get to Ecuador, too. Life's a bitch that way.
3) Wait until Assange is allowed to leave the embassy, then pay all of the bystanders outside to turn to each other and loudly say, "But wait...Is that Benedict Cumberbatch? That guy looks just like Benedict from his last movie!" And thus, Assange will realize that everyone cares more about movie stars than international-government-document-leaking rapists. Sigh.
4) Or we could do nothing. Because Julian Assange has to wake up every day and still be Julian Assange, and Benedict Cumberbatch gets to wake up every day and be the freakin' man. You go, Benedict, don't let the man, or Julian Assange, get ya down.
