I won't lie: I can't wait for a whole season of Chrissy Teigen on MTV's Snack-Off. Aside from being a crazy charming super model, Teigen is an unapologetic foodie who will not be shamed. When Forever 21 fired her for being too fat, Teigen didn't change herself. Instead she said bye-bye to the retailer forever and returned to her regularly scheduled program of instagramming her favorite foods. She's also lighting up our television sets: first with a cameo on Inside Amy Schumer and finally with her own aforementioned MTV drunken snack show where contestants seek to create the best drunk eats with the most random ingredients. It's like Sauced come to life. Her hubby John Legend shows up as a celebrity competitor chef in the first episode (you know someone is kicks ass if the being-married-to-John-Legend part is only the fifth or sixth most interesting thing about them).
So given Tiegen's nonstop appreciation for food, how do the drunk eats she's tasked with judging stand up to the stuff she snacks on herself? It isn't an easy decision to make since the Snack-Off contestants pull out some of the most unique (or is it ungodly) combos you've ever seen. So while Teigen's social feed is backlogged with yummy goodness, I can't say the sheer curiosity factor of the TV show's dishes don't make them a shoe-in to win the "most epic snackage" title in spirit. Here, I present the case for both.
Snack-Off: Get In My Jelly Burger
Creator Rob Dyrdek tweeted his support for the Jelly Belly Burger, a sandwich consisting of two waffles and a pretty ingenious spread that is basically Fluffernutter for jelly beans. It also includes ground beef, so you really have to be cool with the sweet-savory McGriddle meets marshmallow feel of the whole thing. This one ranks high on adventure and taste-potential.Image: robdyrdek/Twitter
Teigen: Denny's Grand Slammwich
Not content with a regular diner breakfast, Tiegen decides to opt for Denny’s Grand Slammwich, which basically takes their Grand Slam breakfast and plops it between two slices of bread. While it’s a formidable effort, it is clearly lacking anything as adventurous as an exotic spread or unique bread. It is however a classic, and I don’t know if I’d line up every morning for jelly-cream-waffle madness, so advantage Tiegen.
Teigen: All of the Ramen
Stars: they’re just like us! If her instagram is any indication, Teigen hoards delicious, sodium and chemical laden instant noodles just like the rest of us. While I’m a super ramen fan myself, I have to say for both ingenuity and eatability, points in this round will have to go to the Frizagna.
Snack-Off: Lick Me Love Me Special Sticks
The Lick Me Love Me Special Sticks are a strange breed: part creamy push pop ice cream, part jalapeno cupcakes and part cracker breaded chicken sound like a sober nightmare but a certain drunk paradise (if you’re the kind of person who craves sweet-salty-spicy-melty-sadsies all at the same time). I say “a certain” because I can certainly never imagine being drunk enough to actually want this.
Teigen: Talenti Coconut Ice Cream Bar
Snack-Off: Hot Sex On Toast
True to its name, Hot Sex on Toast yielded some pretty sexy food love GIFs, so we can imagine this is the recipe you’d reach to when you’re trying to impress a new drunken bar friend you might have invited home with you. Aesthetics factor has definitely been something many of the smashed together dishes lack, so that is definitely a plus.
Teigen: Rare Oreos, Straight to Her Door
…except Teigen levels up the food sex factor with her digital media reach. What’s sexier than being able to tweet your way to the world’s rarest riches? It’s like being an old-timey explorer who brings back fine silks and spices from their travels (but without all the genocide). Her social media love for snackage hasn’t been ignored by some of the powerhouses of the game and Oreo was nice enough to stock the model’s pantry with some limited editions after she tweeted about them. The company gifted her with some of the Cookie Dough and Marshmallow Crispy flavors which she enthusiastically posted to instagram. These sound too delish to resist, so points to Teigen for snagging something as rare as the items on Snack-Off, just 100 times more digestible.
Snack-Off: Salty Balls
Salty Balls is the first one that I can imagine eating without being under the influence of a substance: popcorn, marshmallows, chocolate chip cookies, and some salt? Sign me up. Despite the name, the dish sounds like something a foodie blogger might put together and hand out during the holidays in twee packaging. The judges seemed to agree, and the reactions for the dish seem pretty favorable. I’d give this one a rating of “would eat that.”
Teigen: Papabubble Sour Watermelon
When Tiegen wants something a little sweet, however, she goes for something a little sour too, opting for fancy-pants confectioner Papabubble’s candies. This is a type of flavor totally missing from the television contenders. Yes, mostly drunk food is heavy to absorb the alcohol and give you the energy to keep on living, but sour candies sound like a lot of fun to pop into your mouth throughout the night as a palate cleanser between drinks (or just something to suck on when you’re trying to hold back some nausea).
The clear winner in this showdown is definitely Teigen, whose selects combine taste, convenience, and enough familiarity factor to make me want to re-think my whole drunk pantry situation.