The 17 Stages of Bra Shopping
Most women have experienced the tumultuous journey that is bra-shopping at least once in their lives. Whether you're large-breasted, small-breasted, flat-as-a-board chested, it seems there is no place better designed for an existential crisis than a lingerie dressing room. You may set out for your local department store eager, so full of hope that today will be the day you find IT. The bra so pretty that members of all sexes will physically swoon when you enter a room. The bra so comfortable you won't even know you're wearing it. The bra so smooth that it virtually disappears beneath clothing...
Except no such bra exists. By lunch time you're curled up on the floor of the dressing room in the fetal position, surrounded by crumpled undergarments and questioning all the decisions you've ever made. What is it about bra shopping that makes the process so damn frustrating? I don't know... maybe the fact that bras are wire cages for your boobs and they never fit quite right? Could that be it?!
Whatever the reason, hunting for the right bra can be a nightmare. And like any good nightmare, bra shopping progresses illogically and with great distress on the part of the shopper. Here are the 17 stages one must go through before emerging on the other side, new bras (and hopefully some dignity) in hand.
1. Your bras are so stretched out that walking down stairs is a NSFW adventure
2. So you decide today's the day —
GOIN' BRA SHOPPING!
3. You can't wait to look like Kate Upton in a few hours
Just gotta get to the department store first. They have tons of bras there, right?
4. You arrive on the lingerie floor elated
So many to choose from!
5. Wait — what's your size again?
6. Maybe you should get measured...
But those fitting ladies are terrifying and they always make you cry.
7. Naaaah. You got this
8. All riiiiight, time to try on some bras
But where to begin?!
9. I'll just try anything
10. Oh GOD, not this one!
Or this one... or this one... wait, what happened to all the bras? There were like a million just a few minutes ago. YOU'RE OUT OF BRAS ALREADY!
11. NOTHING FITS!!!
Why are your boobs so big/small/round/saggy?! Why do they exist at all?
12. EVERYTHING WAS TERRIBLE AND EVERYTHING HURT
13. Should've gotten fitted by Professor McGonagall over there
She just looks so wise with her measuring tape and her stern eyes. But no... You must solider on alone!
14. Just gotta unhook this nightmare first...
15. Oh, now this one's pretty!
And it's in whatever size you've decided you are today! Things are looking up.
16. Hey, the wires aren't crushing your rib cage!
This could work out after all.
17. Looking mighty fine
Kate Upton aint's got nothing on you now!