"Tell Me About The Time You Found A Ferret"

We’re heeeeeeeeere! No, this isn’t some Poltergeist TV ghost shit. It’s Game Of Crowns, my friend. We’ve finally reached the highly anticipated Legends Of The Crown pageant. (And by "highly anticipated," I mean "I just learned about it last week, but whatever.") During Sunday evening's episode, the LOTC pageant happened. Oh, it happened.

But it did not happen to the degree I’d hoped. Yeah, Leha backing out at the last minute was a big development (I'm so disappointed. I wanted security guards to stand on that stage next to the dancing contestants during that magnificent opening number. It would've added a truly special element to the entire tableau), but the epiiiiic/huuuuuuge/maaaaajor LOTC moment I'd pictured in my mind never actually went down during the episode. Sigh. There's always next week.

Frankly, the pageant was pretty chill. I mean, it was pretty chill for a beauty pageant. You out of butt glue? Not a problem. Hairspray will do the trick. *Sips water casually and closes eyes.* No need to freak out, brah.

Rather than hit me with all of the truth bombs (a girl can dream, can't she?), the episode was like, “haha, not ready to tell you who was named the Legend of the Legends. And haha, not ready to tell you what's at the root of this Lynne/Leha crap. And haha, I'm definitely not ready to tell you if Lynne and Leha resolve their crap. You are such a sucker, Kristie.”

If last week's episode felt like it was building up to this week's, this week's really felt like it was building up to next week's. Pardon me while I fetch some dental floss in order to combat all of this buildup. I assume all of the season's loose ends will be tied up during next week's finale (that's what reality TV show finales are for, duh). I'm going to be one crabby customer if the finale leaves any questions unanswered. Don't build me up, buttercup baby, just to let me down.

Rather than end on a sour note, I will reminisce about my favorite moment from Sunday night's episode: the interviews. Specifically, the part when Lynne explained ice hotels to the judging panel. As soon as Lynne said the words "ice hotel," one of the judges couldn't stop shaking her head "no." She was equal parts confused and horrified. She was NOT feeling Lynne's ice hotel fantasy. It was like Lynne had said she wanted to bathe in a bathtub full of live bumblebees.

I respect Lynne's ice hotel answer and I respect that judge's honest response. Everybody is living their truths.

Sadly, Lynne's interview didn't make it into the following clip. However, there are some pearls in this minute-long video:

That ferret anecdote. THAT FERRET ANECDOTE.

Image: Bravo