All right, so it's not the Zombieland sequel, but it's probably almost as good. Zombieland was one of the best films to come out in 2009 and no one can tell me differently. The most memorable part of the movie — besides the entire thing — was Emma Stone playing Witchita in Zombieland. Abigail Breslin played her younger sister, Little Rock, and it appears that Breslin is giving zombie movies another try with an even bigger name. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Breslin are starring in Maggie, a zombie movie about a father and daughter who stay together even as the daughter succumbs to a disease that will turn her into, well, a zombie. It just seems like this entire plot could have been avoided if Breslin's character had learned even the slightest thing from Little Rock.
One of the many narrative tools that Zombieland employed was the broadcasting of Columbus' rules for survival, the guidelines he followed that had kept him alive in Zombieland up until the plot occurred. We didn't get the entire list of rules during the movie, but the few that we did get were just good general rules to follow. Double tap? If only every person in every horror movie ever followed that rule, we could avoid all those messy sequels. It might be too late for Breslin's character in Maggie or it might not be too late, but if she and Schwarzenegger want to save themselves then these are the Zombieland rules they need to put in practice right about now.
The best way to avoid a cannibalistic zombie is by working on your cardio. Perhaps it wouldn't be a good idea for Breslin's character to practice since she's turning into one, but Schwarzenegger definitely needs to make sure he's got good cardio for when he inevitably needs to run away from his brain-eating daughter.
2. Double Tap
To navigate a world full of zombies, you have to make sure that you kill them again. Like really, really kill them again. As hard as that is to do, blowing them up in some way seems to be the ticket. Just make sure that you really blow every piece of them up with a double tap or they'll just put themselves back together and keep coming.
3. Beware of Bathrooms
There is no safety in a zombie-filled world, not even in the bathroom. Especially in the bathroom. Just don't use public bathrooms. There, problem solved.
4. Travel Light
If you're going to go out in the world, it's probably better not to be weighed down with an entire suitcase set in case you need to drop everything you have and run. Sure, Maggie is more of a dramatic study than a survivalist thriller, but that doesn't mean the zombies might not attack again.
5. Check the Back Seat
I mean, this is just common sense any time you're in a car. There could be anything from a mugger to a flesh-eating undead creature in there. Check the back seat before you even get in the car.
6. Enjoy the Little Things
As Breslin's character becomes more and more sick, and thus more and more zombie-like, there's sure to be a lot of drama and angst on the horizon for the father and daughter pair. Thus, they need to make sure to stop and enjoy the little things about life and their relationship before it's all gone. They'll probably never get the chance again.
7. Be a Hero
On the other hand, who says they should just wait until the disease sets in? Breslin and Schwarzenegger also have the option of going out there and finding a cure before she turns into a zombie. There's no time that says "be a hero" like the last few days of your human life, am I right?