Either this Craigslist ad for "Fall Boyfriends" is the most gloriously un-self-aware, condensed instance of rampant basicness that has ever graced the Internet, or it's a commendable case of trolling all the Autumnal Basics who start crawling out of deep dresser drawers full of knit sweaters around this time every year. BASICally, these gal pals (I would ordinarily never independently choose to say "gal pals" but you know these two refer to themselves as such, and I always support letting all people set the standards for language used to describe them) are looking for a few good bros to keep them warm now that Labor Day is over.
This post, written by two girls looking for "fall boyfriends" to replace their "summer hookups" (I somewhat applaud the shameless man-jectifying going on here with treating them like seasonal outfits, but still, creepy), reads like Fall Basic Mad Libs. We get it. You win. If anyone anywhere ever Googles "What are single girl dreams made of during cold weather months?", they will find themselves staring into the bleak face of your Craigslist ad.
The impressively comprehensive coverage of Manic Cozy Dream Girl buzzwords includes:
- ski trips
- NYE kiss
- "Patagonia vest season"
- scented candle
- open window
- fresh autumn air
- apple picking
- Sunday Fundays
- laid back
Oh my god, can't you just, like, smell fall right now? It's, like, pretty much my favorite thing in life. *sip*
But slow down, Basic Bros – not just anyone is qualified to join our two snuggly babes in their seasonal adventures. They have (completely insane, and honestly pretty boring) standards for all potential mates to meet:
"Chill group of guy friends (preference will be given to bros who come from the same group of friends, just because that makes it easier and more fun for double date brunching)"
There is also an earlier reference to applicants ideally having a "chill group of bro friends." These girls are really into the one-stop shopping.
"6 feet or taller. (if you're 5'11" but have a personality to make up for the height difference, willing to consider it. Any shorter? Don't apply.)"
Applicants must possess at least one inch worth of personality.
"College education. Ivy league preferred. Def in a frat or played a sport (lacrosse, crew, tennis, etc.)"
Because as we all know, these are exactly the type of desperate guys who tend to cruise the "Rants & Raves" section of Craigslist for dates.
"Wardrobe should include: Driving mocs, Barbour coat, Half-Zips (at least 3, please send pics if possible), Ray-Bans (Wayfarers or Clubmastesr preferred, but open to other styles), loafers, Patagonia vest(s), Vineyard Vines, basketball shorts for me to sleep in."
Fleece clothing is like fly paper for Fall Basics.
"Strange how the night moves, with autumn closing in (If you don't know that song, don't apply)"
Actually, I'm onboard with this. No one should ever date anyone who doesn't know that song.