The Apple Watch Is Coming, And It's The Douchey Bluetooth Earpiece Of Our Generation

Well, I guess we should have seen this coming. The Apple Watch is officially a thing that's happening. Despite the fact that literally no one cares about/is buying/has any intention of buying wearable tech, Apple obviously had to jump on that silly bandwagon because everyone else is doing it. Whatever happened to independent, individualistic thought amongst billion dollar corporations?!

So, anyway, the features of this completely superfluous device: First off, you need an iPhone to make it work, of course, so really you have to carry around two pieces of tech now, rather than streamlining your pocket load. You can talk to Siri, send people text messages, record and share your heartbeat (what?? With whom are you needing to share your pulse??), and control your music. Oh, and probably check the time. Great, so all the stuff I do on my phone already, just without having to take anything out of my pocket.

Who's gonna buy the Apple Watch, then? The exact same guys who jumped right on the bluetooth earpiece trend. They wear pinstripe suits. They say stuff like "Dude, I totally crushed that expense meeting today." They probably have yachts, or at least have friends with yachts. They will also be buying both of the iPhone 6s that are launching at the same time. As Silicon Valley star Kumail Nanjiani so eloquently put it:

Yeah. It's just gonna be a weird thing that your friends who are that strange nerd-douche combination try to convince you was "totally worth buying." At least you can't actually make calls on the thing (LOL oh, OK), so it won't look like you're talking to yourself as you strut through the subway in your wingtip oxfords.

But wait! There's one cool part about the Apple Watch: Pre-Set Animated Emojis.

Never mind. I take this all back. The Apple Watch is perfect.

Image: Apple