There are a couple things in fashion that girls just don't really like to talk about that much. For example, admitted or not, we all know that you enthusiastically participated in the sneaker wedge trend and owned something from Hollister in high school. It happens to the best of us. Another thing fashion girls don't like to talk about? Spanx. No, it's not the most flattering thing to admit that you are squeezing your flesh into skin-tight, high-waisted underwear in order to smooth everything out. But you know what is the most flattering thing? Wearing Spanx.
They're magic, and like it or not, most of us real girls have gone through the process of squeezing ourselves into a pair or two to accommodate a dress or skirt. I look at Spanx like using a good filter on Instagram for a selfie. Ok, so maybe you with Spanx isn't exactly like you without Spanx, but it's basically the same thing. And you look fab. So let's not question it.
But even with the magical power of Spanx comes some inevitable (sometimes uncomfortable) stages of wearing them. No matter what your body type or level of pain tolerance, some things are bound to happen along the way during your Spanx-wearing adventures. Here are the nine stages of wearing Spanx*.
1. The Debate
Do you wear them? Do you go without? This is always the first step of wearing Spanx. First of all, you don't know where the night will take you. There are things to consider here. Will you be standing up all night? Sitting down? Sweating profusely? Riding a horse? Going snorkling? Participating in an Iron Man? Will there come a point where someone will take off your dress and your Spanx will be revealed? There's always a series of questions you ask yourself, but, at the end of the day, they are miracle workers, so you wear them anyway. You'll work out the details later.
2. You Feel The Need To Confess That You're Wearing Spanx
Even though wearing Spanx is simply just highlighting the best parts of you and disguising your least favorite parts (similar to a peplum top, but less trendy), something about wearing Spanx feels like you're fibbing just a little. There comes a point where a friend will compliment you on, say, how you look in your new dress, and you will find yourself responding, "I'M WEARING SPANX, OK?" It just comes out like that, but you calm down and you correct yourself, "Oh, yeah, they're so comfortable. I love them. You should get some."
3. "I Wonder If These Are Really Crushing My Organs..."
I read an article once that basically said that Spanx are constricting your organs. Do I still wear them? Yes. But sometimes, about two to three hours into wearing, I start to wonder if my internal organs are slowly shutting down, all for the sake of a flatter stomach. I continue wearing them anyway.
4. You Forget About Them
Eventually, you forget you're wearing Spanx at all. You start to believe your stomach really is that toned and flat. "This is what it must feel like to be Gwenyth Paltrow," you'll start to think. You strut around like the confident women that you are (see: horse GIF). Who needs the gym when you have a pair of skin-tight, flesh-toned saran wrap high-waisted shorts glued to your body? Am I right?
5. "Is It Supposed To Feel Like This?"
If you wear your Spanx for a long period of time, eventually they just begin to feel all wrong. You wonder if you're really losing feeling in your left leg or if it's simply supposed to constrict that tightly around your thigh. You begin to empathize with all those girls who died in medieval times because they wore corsets. "I understand, now," you think. "I understand."
6. You Are Bitter Of Those Who Aren't Wearing Spanx
No woman needs to wear Spanx in the same sense that no women needs to wear makeup. They're simply a strange, excellent way to make you feel more confident if you need that extra boost to wear a skin-tight dress or skirt. But after you've gone through your "is it supposed to feel like this?" stage, you suddenly start to glance around the room at other women, jealous of their non-Spanx looks. Look at them, dancing around in their freedom, with feeling in all of their limbs. You get bitter.
7. You Take Them Off In A Bathroom
Maybe you're at a wedding, you've had a few glasses of champagne and, dammit, all you want to do is dance without feeling like the bottom half of your body is in a spandex chokehold. Your fleshy mid-section is crying out for air. You know what you have to do. "I think they'll fit in my clutch," you'll say to yourself as you make your way to the bathroom. And then they're off. Sweet, sweet freedom.
8. You Feel Like A New Woman
"Forget Spanx!" you yell from the dance floor, as you down another glass of wine and throw off your heels. "Forget everything! I just feel so FREE!"
9. You Wear Them Again
There are times when Spanx don't feel so great (see numbers fives through seven), but the same could be said of heels, right? At the end of the day, Spanx can boost your confidence, make you feel extra amazing in a dress. They are that friend who you sometimes hate. But only sometimes, you know? The rest of the time, they're great.