A thing about being best friends with someone – the real,
ride or die, “hey, does my poop look weird to you?” closer-than-sisters kind of
best friends – is that you have the freedom to be your most
unfiltered self around them. They are the person you eat an entire can of
Pringles with (is there any other acceptable serving size?) as you tweet about
the juice cleanse you’re "on." You can say and do anything with this person
because, beneath all of your silliness and bullshit, you understand the core of
who each other is. At least, this is the commonly held belief about best
The truth, however, is that there are a number of strictly
forbidden utterances within the BFF Trust Circle (which sounds like some Wicca
thing, but to be fair, that is also something many of us have enjoyed doing with
our best friends.) Saying any of the following things to your best friend is
effectively as damaging and insulting to the glorious nature of your
relationship as it would be to steal a job they were after, or something truly
heinous like forgetting to invite them to brunch. Shudder. Be good to each
“You can totally pull that look off” when, in
fact, they are absolutely incapable of pulling it off.
This is one of those definitive “good friends lie to you to spare your feelings but best friends tell you the brutal truth” moments. Because that’s the thing about best friends – they can say things that might seem objectively hurtful, but because you both know how amazing and extraordinary they think you are, they can say “you look so gross right now” and you’ll just laugh it off and thank them for saving you from yourself.
“(Name of person
you’re fighting with) kinda has a point.”
Um, no they do not. Even if they do. They still don’t. They are wrong, and terrible, and smell bad, and are the walking culmination of every vile thing to ever plague the earth. No one is saying you should further dramatize a situation by personally going after someone your BFF is beefing with, but behind-the-scenes solidarity is a non-negotiable.
“(Name of person
you’re dating but are mad at) kinda has a point.”
They do not have a point either. And you’re too good for them. It's never a bad time to throw that in there.
“Are you really going
to eat all of that?”
You know that moment in movies when someone says something and everyone freezes and looks at them and someone breaks something as they’ve become momentarily rendered incapable of holding it out of pure shock that the person who just said a thing actually said the thing they said? And, like, tires screech even though there are no cars around, and the whole world goes on pause because someone just said something that mind-blowingly insane? Questioning the (possibly obscene and unhealthy) amount of food your best friend is about to eat, or is currently eating, is one of the rare things that can create moments like that. Don’t be that person. Of course they are going to eat all of that, and you probably should too.
“No, you cannot
borrow that top.”
I’m sorry, I don’t understand the words you just said. I’m going to go back to rifling through your closet without permission now like a normal person. Feel free to alert me when my best friend re-enters your body.
“Why are you calling me at this hour?”
You can certainly ask questions when your BFF calls you at 3AM, but they should be more along the lines of “Do you need me to come get you?”, “Are you okay?”, “Is it fun enough for me to get out of bed and put pants on?”, or “Do you need to coming over to talk?”
completely horrible) haircut looks amaaaaze.”
First things first: If your BFF says “amaze” in place of “amazing,” I’m not exactly saying you should dump this person but, like, just take a step back and think about your choices. Anyway, a lame friend will lie about a haircut being great when it clearly sucks but a best friend will tell you to never make that mistake again and then get day-drunk with you while you shop for hats (on eBay. No going out in public for a while.)
“I hate (person
It’s perfectly acceptable to not be awash in love feelings
for whomever your Person is currently spooning on the regular. You don’t even
have to lie about it. But you do have
to be mindful of how you talk about
your negative feelings about your BFF’s significant other – and know when it is and is not necessary to even say anything at all. A more constructive option would be to ask your
friend how they feel in the relationship. Focus on the fact that you know them
better than anyone else – not that you know what’s better for them than they do (even though, let’s be honest, you probably
Images: Jessica Blankenship; Giphy (8)