This Story About Someone Trying to Steal a David Hasselhoff Cardboard Cutout Is Much More Serious Than It Sounds
When I first heard about this story, my initial thought was "who in the world would actually want to steal cardboard cutout of David Hasselhoff holding an iced coffee?" Then, I realized, stealing a cardboard cutout of David Hasselhoff holding an iced coffee would actually make a great story, and you could totally put it on display in your apartment just to see how many people actually drum up the nerve to ask why the hell you have a lifestyle cutout of David Hasselhoff in your living room, and how many people just let it go and pretend there's nothing weird about that. I mean, I get the thought process behind this.
Then, however, I actually found out what the rest of the story is, which is surprisingly pretty sad. You expect a story about David Hasselhoff to be hilarious, we're all conditioned to, so it really throws you for a loop. But here we go—brace yourselves: According to The Courant in Hartford, Conn., a David Hasselhoff sign theft attempt went horribly wrong when a store clerk at a Cumberland Farms location ended up being dragged by the thieves' SUV while trying to stop them from stealing the sign.
The store clerk, a 36-year-old man, has been transferred to the hospital and is in serious condition from injuries sustained after he "landed on his head" in the store's parking lot. As for the thieves, there were three in an SUV, but only one 19-year-old man has admitted involvement and is cooperating with police. He probably has a Tumblr, because stealing David Hasselhoff signs is just too hipster of a crime for him not to.
The SUV was also occupied by a female front-seat passenger and a male backseat passenger. They probably have Tumblrs too.
According to The Courant, stealing cardboard cutouts of David Hasselhoff holding iced coffee outside of Cumberland Farms locations is actually a pretty common thing all over New England. CNN interviewed one store clerk in Massachusetts about the thefts last month because they're first in hard-hitting journalism, and got this gem of a quote in response to a question about why the signs are so popular: "I don't know, man. I don't know. It's just like Germany. The Hasselhoff thing is, you know, really hot I guess. I don't know."
Our thoughts are with the store-clerk. Very sad.
[Image via WTIC-Hartford]