15 Things You Never Want to Hear Your Gyno Say

Going to see the gynecologist is an awkward must for every woman. The only thing worse than saddling up into those stirrups is the awkward small-talk that happens during these encounters. They make blind dates with monosyllabic partners seem like a beautiful and delicious dream. But, just like with a blind date, some awkwardness is expected. It comes with the territory. The territory, of course, being your sexual organs.

That said, there are some things you absolutely never want to hear your gyno utter. Sure, you might want to roll your eyes when they ask you about work while seemingly drumming their fingers with boredom upon your internal organs, but that’s just being polite. Here are 15 things you NEVER want to hear your gynecologist say once your feet are in the stirrups.

“Who Does Your Hair?”

They might be talking about the hair on your head. But given their location whilst your feet are in stirrups, they might not be. There’s zero shame in the wax-talkin’ game 99% of the time (ask me about when I ripped off the top layer of my pubis skin accidentally!) but your doctor dishing falls into the other 1%.

“So, Wanna Get Together Friday?”

Being in a position to wonder whether or not the person manhandling your glands is actually asking you out on a date is never okay.

“Whelp, That Can’t Be Good...”

This one would also be equally applicable on a list entitled “Things You Never Want Anyone Looking At Your Vagina To Say EVER”. In this instance, bedside manner is a thing, they should learn it.

“Sorry, Wrong Hole.”

BUTTS ARE NOT VAGINAS YOU GUYS.

“This Looks Just Like The Eye of Saruman!”

Your doc’s passion for the Lord of the Rings trilogy is all well and good, but keep it out of the exam room. The only way this would be worse is if they called your nethers “my precious”.

“I’ve Got a Birthmark Just Like That! Wanna see?”

The only pants off in the exam room should be yours - even if you are vaguely curious about said birthmark.

“I Like My Patients Like I Like My Bread – Yeast Free.”

Ew. Just...ew.

“Tell Me If You Want Me To Make This Colder”

They are not Christian Grey and you are not Ana Steele and the last thing you want is to pay a co-pay to have your bits and bobbles prodded with an icicle. I mean, unless you’re into that? In which, do you, boo.

*Drops Implement* “Whoops, Five Second Rule!”

BURN IT, AND THEM, WITH FIRE AND FLEE.

“I Won’t Say It’s Herpes, But I Won’t NOT Say It’s Herpes.”

Be especially wary if they announce this to you in the waiting room. In front of everyone else. Before they have even seen you.

“You Don’t Mind If I Eat, Do You?”

Because Ramen has a place and it is nowhere near your groin.

“You Don’t Mind If I Smoke, Do You?”

Lung cancer is awful, and telling people you got vaginally is even worse. Plus, fire. Bush. No.

“You Don’t Mind If I Play Snake on My Cellphone, Do You?”

Because there are so many other games available, what year is it, 2008?

“I Think Your Uterus Might Be Haunted.”

Who do you even call for that? I mean, aside from the Ghostbusters, obviously. Additionally the word "may" is problematic. You need that noise confirmed, yo.

“I Seem to Have Misplaced My Harmonica, Could You Push Please?”

Agree to this only if you get it in writing that should you prove able to play the harmonica vaginally the two of you will take this show on the road and split the profits 60 - 40. It’s only fair.

Image: Getty