College Humor’s “What Your Drink Choice Says About You” Video Is Stereotypical, Yet Still Scarily Accurate

BERLIN, GERMANY - SEPTEMBER 16: A 'Revolution' cocktail is seen on the bar during the Hennessy Very Special Limited Edition by Shepard Fairey launch party at Kraftwerk Mitte on September 16, 2014 in Berlin, Germany. (Photo by Alexander Koerner/Getty Images for Hennessy)
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There are an awful lot of “What Your Drink Choice Says About You” articles and videos out there in Internetland — but leave it to College Humor to put out what might be simultaneously the most accurate and most stereotypical one of the bunch. If you’re a college student who has just headed back to school, only to have immediately begun torturing your shiny, healthy liver… this one’s for you.

The idea behind the video itself is actually a few years old; College Humor first published the original illustrations back in 2012. They’ve only now gotten the animated treatment, though, which gives voice to the illustrations’ dudebro star both literally and figuratively. I give the video credit for its accurate portrayal of light beer drinkers vs. regular and fancy craft beer drinkers; it also gets points for finally managing to explain to me the draw of Red Bull and vodka. I’ll still probably never drink it, but at least I know why some people do.

I’ll admit that I’m not totally sure if I should be offended by the description of vodka and cranberry (“I’m a nice lady” with bonus kissy face). On the one hand, it’s kind of sexist; on the other, though, maybe it’s a little progressive? Are Cape Codders actually the great alcoholic equalizer, turning us all into Ladies Who Lunch regardless as to gender, race, or creed? I don’t know. You be the judge:

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Of course, at the end of the day, just d Drinking water doesn’t necessarily mean you’re the bitter designated driver; Red Bull and vodka drinkers aren’t necessarily crazy party animals; and having a fondness for Cape Codders doesn’t mean you spend your spare time making duck face at everyone. You do you; anyone who gives you grief about what you drink isn't worth your time. Just, y’know… try not to pump your system too full of these gross college drinks. Seriously. Life is too short for disgusting anything, booze included. You deserve better.

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