"First they came for my can of spinach, and I said nothing..."
Look at the time! Sorry, kiddos, pardon me while we take a brief pause from our regularly scheduled programming here at Bustle to tend to the daily feeding of the Fox News trolls. They get hungrier every day.
So Popeye, the least-cared about cartoon in all the world, is getting a reboot because apparently we have officially run out of all other things to do with our lives. In the new version, the sailor man (who, in hindsight, had some serious fluid retention issues in his forearms) is featured sans tattoos and pipe. Commence the Conversatives being all:
But, like, with corncob pipes. They took their cern-cerb perps.
According to...ya know, whatever his name is, this updating of the ambiguously-regarded cartoon character has massive implications about the Liberal Agenda because of course it does.
"There is nothing scarier to a modern liberal than tobacco," What's-His-Face "astutely" observes. "If Popeye were driving around giving the morning after pill to fourth graders, that would be totally fine. But smoking a pipe, a symbol of freedom and masculinity, the reason this country exists, tobacco? Oh, no, that's outrageous."
I will give them a few points: It's true that very few teenagers decide it's cool to start smoking a pipe (that's an insufferable affectation they'll pick up in college around the time they try to grow a handlebar mustache.), and clearly there's nothing Liberals love more than flushing the uteruses of 10-year-olds who haven't even started menstruating. All of that goes without saying. Really, if Popeye was smoking cigarettes, then I feel like this would be a bit of a more justified change, but honestly, I can't imagine anyone giving a shit one way or another. Hyper-liberals are unnecessarily clutching their pearls and being all "But the children!" about something utterly inconsequential (although it's more likely that no one freaked out about Popeye's pipe, and that it was removed as a preemptive safeguard against what admittedly would've been inevitable backlash had it been included in the new version.)
On the other hand, there is a solid argument to be had for the fact that the new Popeye, being all fancy and computer generated, looks a hell of a lot more realistic than the old cartoon, so the presence of a pipe might not only be more noticeable, but that on a more human-feeling hero. So there's that.
Conservatives, being that they are awake and have a pulse ("Debatable on that second point, Blankenship," some of you might rightfully object. We'll look into it later.), are drearily taking advantage of the latest opportunity to act like every tiny instance of the most remote, benign social progress is an attempt to ruin their lives with Extra Liberal, Castrating, Freedom-Hating, Jesus-Slapping, Baby-Murdering, America Destroyer 9000s.
In other words, this is the dumbest goddamn thing that's ever been called "news".
But then things get weirder. The conversation goes on to bemoan the egregious anti-Americanizing of Wonder Woman's neutral-toned outfit in Batman Vs. Superman (shout-out to Linda Carter for being a much-needed breath of fresh babe in the midst of this pinched face, morning-booze-and-erectile-dysfuntion-medication scented mess.)
And then, of course, there's the jabs at Islam upon lamenting the fact that the new comic book Wonder Woman is wearing – you aren't even ready for this upsetting, offensive, sacrilegious news – PANTS.
The male anchors' actual faces while discussing The Pants That Killed America:
"I want to see Wonder Woman in the original short shorts! I want to see it! Is that wrong of me? If you've got the body, flaunt it," says Casually Problematic Yellow Tie Guy, who would probably accuse Wonder Woman of "asking for it" if she got raped while wearing those shorts.
BONUS: There was an endearing moment when someone doth protest too much as he said, "No guy wants to wear a halter top!" Oh really, Ken Doll Haired Anchor Whose Name I'm Definitely Not Bothering To Remember? Are you sure about that?
What secret sartorial longing lives behind that placid visage?!
It's okay, boo. You can wear a halter top. We accept you. You can sit with us.
TL;DR: People are still the worst. As you were.