13 Steps To Successfully Procrastinating Your College Applications
Your college application is, in theory, a compilation of everything you worked your ass off for in high-school. It’s supposed to be your Best Of that makes the case for why you, above all the billion other applicants, are good enough for whatever institution of higher education makes your little heart sing. In a perfect world where you are the responsible creature you aspire to be, you would be using every spare bit your energy towards making it perfect in an effort to NOT end up throwing together a last minute jumble of digital paperwork and a half-assed personal essay about that one time you won the debate tournament "against all odds". It should be carefully curated and well thought-out. I mean, this is your future we’re talking about.
Unfortunately, life doesn’t roll that way. It’s your senior year of high school and the very last thing you feel like doing is sitting at home and filling out bubbles that ask for your cumulative GPA and test scores. Actually, that's the second to last thing you feel like doing; the last last thing is writing a meaningful personal statement that simultaneously conveys your struggles and successes as the most perfect student ever who is grounded and worldly and smart as shit. But it needs to get done, so you make it happen. And it’s ugly. And painful. And you start to regret ever putting off such a daunting task, but there is no turning back now.
Ready to procrastinate the hell out of those applications (and basically everything else related to getting ready for college?) Here's how to put it off and give yourself a mega anxiety attack at the last minute. Enjoy!
1. Wait until the summer to tour America for potential colleges you will be attending
“Oh shit,” you one day realized while eating a bowl of Reeses Pieces in the kitchen. “I don’t even know what colleges I’m going to apply to.” Since this knowledge is the crux of your college application process, you organize a weekend-long trip to every college in your vicinity and hope for an epiphany.
2. Either that or you just look up “cheapest, most fun college in ‘merica” and apply to those
It’s the experience that matters most. And the house parties.
3. Take the SAT on the very last date you can possibly take the SAT
And probably don't even study because that requires buying that blue College Board SAT prep book AKA a bona fide doorstop.
4. Also sign up to take the ACT, but then forget to actually take it
Eh. Is the ACT even really all that valid?
5. When you do take tests, forget to send colleges your SAT or AP scores
Considering you don't really feel like taking college algebra, you should probably get on that.
6. Fill the extracurricular activity void by joining the Ping Pong Club in September
I may or may not have done that (spoiler: I did). What? Being able to play a rousing game of professional ping pong shows how valuable you are as a global member of society. Colleges will love that!
7. Set aside money to pay $30 extra when you forget to send your official transcripts on time
Anxiety about whether the U.S. Postal Service will lose all your super important documents that basically determine the rest of your life: 1, 2, 3, GO.
8. Make at least two teachers totally hate you
By asking them to write you a letter of recommendation the week before their deadline. Be prepared for the eternal stink eye. Or like, a really bad letter of rec.
9. Solely apply to schools that don’t ask for a personal statement
These schools just add up your GPA and SAT scores and so you pretty much just become a number, but you are totally okay with that.
10. Start writing your college essays like ten times (but never finish)
Essay prompts ask you to describe a moment of adversity you may have faced, or perhaps how an aspect of your cultural heritage has shaped you to become the poignant, well-rounded student that you are. More or less, though, they’re asking you to be deep and evocative and no, that does not mean sharing the time your parents didn’t let you go to Coachella.
11. Ask your parents or siblings to maybe possibly write a little bit for you
What? They’re wiser and older and KNOW things.
12. In fact, make your entire family resent you a little bit
Let’s be real. You’ve been a mess for about a solid week. You probably haven’t showered in days. The only thing you can talk about at the dinner table is how stupid applying to college is and whether you even want to go through with this college thing.
13. Spend more than one night Googling “college essay examples” while sweating profusely
After inhaling five cans of Redbull, you finally get some words on paper. And you know what? They’re actually pretty good. For once, you see a silver lining. Now all you have to do is click “submit” and pray to the College Board gods their system doesn’t crash because just about every other person has decided to submit their application at 11:59PM. May the odds ever be in your favor.
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