The Best (And Worst) Parts Of Having Big Boobs

by Rebecca Jane Stokes

I have big boobs. It is my gift, and, like Spider-Man, it is also my curse. Unlike Spider-Man, I do not use my boobs to fight crime. I mean, I haven't yet, but there's always time to change my mind about that I suppose. (*Makes mental note to research becoming a superhero*) Having a massive rack can be awesome. For one thing, should you fall into a body of water you are naturally buoyant which is always good. The only time floating with greater ease wasn't great for chicks was during the witch hunts of the 18th century.

Being burned alive in front of a crowd of hostile pilgrims isn't so much a concern for the mongo-mammaried among us nowadays, but that doesn't mean having utters like no other is a walk in the park. There's the cat-calling, and the inability to find button down shirts that comply with their one sole function: staying buttoned and not exposing your undergarments to the world at large.

It's a double-edged sword — we love our big boobs! The only thing we love more than the fact that our cup runneth over? The universal knowledge we share with other big-boobed girls that loving to hate your boobs is a whole other very real thing. That's right, tiny boobs creatures out there, do not judge us until you have walked a mile in our uni-boob-giving joke of a sports bra.

BEST: T-Shirts Fit Like a Dream

With a larger rack, you never have to worry about looking ho-hum in a T-shirt. That said, best to avoid overly busy prints if you want to carry on your business with constant gawking.

WORST: Guys Forget You Have a Face

There are only so many different ways a girl can say, "Hi, I'm up here," before it gets old.

BEST: Great For Storage

Need a place to put your cellphone, the movie tickets, a candy bar for later? This is what boobs were made for. I mean, they weren't, but like, you get what I'm saying.

WORST: Boob Sweat

There is nothing quite like feeling a tidal wave of stank coming down from beneath your boob flesh. It is a kind of awful that is almost too terrible to try to communicate. It's like standing out in the rain. If the rain were your own sweat.

BEST: Curves Make For Confidence

Sometimes, standing up tall and proud with your nicely shaped large rack can make for a confidence booster like nothing else. You hold your head and your titties high, girl!

WORST: Back Pain Is a Bitch

If you are a women with big boobs and you are reading this then I bet 90 percent of you are totally slumped over with your neck stuck out reading this list. The small-nipped world knows not the weight we carry.

BEST: You Can Rock a Vintage Cut

Girls with big boobs, you bettah work! Modern day designers may not curry favor with you, but who cares? Because, lucky you, your body was designed to make those vintage cut ensembles SING! Get thee to a vintage shop STAT!

WORST: Working Out Is Impossible

Goes for a run, gets two black eyes. Suffocates while attempting downward facing dog in yoga class. Motor-boats self while doing crunches. Need I go on?

BEST: Built In Stress Balls

Who hasn't fondled their own boobs to idly relax and decompress after a long stressful day? What, is it just me? OK, never mind then. Moving on...

WORST: Laying On Your Stomach Is a Non-Starter

You try to tan with the best of them at the beach, but before you can roll over onto your stomach you've got to suffer the indignity of digging two holes to accommodate your girls. Oh the shame.

BEST: You Always Look Sexy

It doesn't matter what goofy shit you're up to, you are always looking dope as. Represent, big-boobed babes!

WORST: You Always Look Sexy

In the grand fight to move toward a society where women's bodies are allowed to exist as something other than sex objects, sometimes you'd rather not look so sexy. But alas, when it comes to this, the odds are not in your favor.

Images: Getty; Giphy(12)