41 Tortured Thoughts Everyone Has When The Internet Is Down
You have absolutely no idea how much power the Internet has over you until it betrays you. It’s like a terrible relationship in a way. Everything is all good and then it starts to get a little crappy, and then a bit worse, and you convince yourself that things will get better, that you're just going through a brief rough patch, and then BOOM – you’re dumped. You’re a mess with snot and tears running down your face. You have no idea who you even are anymore. But then a few hours later, they come back. They don’t even beg for forgiveness. But you’re cool with that, as long as they’re back in your lives. We’re such suckers.
But it truly is hard to part ways with the Internet even if it’s temporary. Everything is online. Our friends. Our thoughts. Our news. Our entertainment. Our porn. OUR PORN, YOU GUYS. When the Internet is down, it’s like a huge chunk of our lives is ripped out of our frail hands, and there’s not much to do about it, either. We can distract ourselves with books and maybe alcohol, but let’s face it. They’re no match for Twitter. Or Facebook. We’re addicted, aren’t we? We’re just a bunch of addicts sitting in front of a dimly lit square, who think these thoughts when we can’t get our daily fix:
1. Ah. Just kicked off g-chat. Must refresh.
2. It’s not loading.
3. I repeat: IT’S NOT FUCKING LOADING.
4. Let’s try Twitter
5. Nope. Doesn’t work either.
6. Google? Google always works.
7. Nope, not Google either. The Internet is officially broken.
8. Let’s try connecting and disconnecting from WiFi
9. Denied. There is no Internet.
10. *starts breathing in short, panicked breaths*
11. Okay. Okay. Calm down self. I can go to Starbucks.
12. My bed is so comfy though.
13. I’ll just unhook some wires and see what happens.
14. Yeah, no. Still no Internet.
15. *Curses Internet provider with clenched fists*
16. I’ll just read a little while until the Internet comes back. I never read anymore. This will actually be a good thing.
17. *reads two paragraphs*
18. Let’s try it again. *Tries to open Gmail*
19. God. Damnit. You’re still dead.
20. This is probably because of Net Neutrality.
21. I read about that on Gawker.
22. Ugh, I miss Gawker. It's so far away right now.
23. And Twitter. I don't even know what's happening in the world!
24. I bet Kelly Oxford just tweeted a funny picture of her cat and I’m missing it.
25. This is why I should pay $200 for the good Internet.
26. But no. I have the cheap-o Internet. This is what I get. I deserve this.
27. Wait, no. NO. Why should I pay more for Internet? FUCK THAT SHIT. Internet should be a basic human right at this point.
28. *Tries Facebook.com again*
30. OMG IT’S BACK!
31. Hooray! My life has returned to me.
32. Oh no. No. No nonononononono come back.
33. I should probably call my Internet provider.
34. *Calls and waits three minutes*
35. *Hangs up dramatically* This is a waste of time. They’ll just tell me to pay more money.
36. Fine. I’ll just go to Starbucks.
37. *Puts on jacket, reaches for laptop case*
38. Ugh…it’s so cold out and it’s always air conditioned at Starbucks.
39. Screw Starbucks, their Internet is slow anyway.
40. I’ll just sit here and wait.
41. Oh, you're back! Thank god. I thought you were dead!! I love you. Don't ever do that to me again, okay?