Becoming an adult is kind of irksome sometimes, you know? Of course you know. There are, like, 50 articles a day that happily illustrate our adult struggles. We’re obsessed with adulthood. We’re obsessed with gray hair, our #bigkidjobs, our office attire, and we’re certainly obsessed with how much all of those things suck. Well, maybe not our office clothes; I have a blazer that’s better than my entire wardrobe combined.
But being a grown-up obviously doesn’t suck that much, and you want to know why? Because being a grown-up means you have the capacity to make more money. And buy things that feed into your adult-as-shit persona. When I was 18, I could care less whether I was drinking a Monster and a bag of Chex Mix for breakfast. Now? It’s all about the fine cup of coffee I brew with my fancy-ass coffeemaker. I make sure to have oatmeal and real maple syrup or brown sugar. I’m the person 18-year-old me would hate, but I don’t care. Being an adult means you finally get to unapologetically buy yourself nice things. And some of those material goods you acquire have more weight than others, such as:
1. Earl Grey tea
Not green tea. Not peppermint. EARL. GREY. Because Earl Grey makes you feel like you’re Kate Middleton properly enjoying a hot beverage that was brewed for the royals.
2. A programmable coffeemaker
What is more adult than depending on caffeine to function? Or complaining about how we need caffeine to function? With a programmable coffeemaker, we can wake up and already have a steaming cauldron of wonderful waiting for us in the kitchen.
3. A Gustav Klimt poster
But not just taped up like some frat house décor. This fine art must be proudly nestled behind a pretty frame you buy from Michael’s.
4. One of those gold necklaces with a triangle on it
They’re so minimalist. It’s like modern art that hangs from your neck. They also go with everything, so that’s pretty nice.
5. “Diamond” earrings
Obviously they don’t have to be real diamonds, because I would rather put a down payment on a house than invest in shiny rocks I can stab my ears with. But those fake diamond earrings you can get at JCPenney’s for like twenty bucks? They’re awesome. They’re so fucking classy, I can’t stand it.
6. A neutral gel manicure
Who needs nail art when you can pay someone to make your nails look shiny and healthy? Never am I more envious than when I see a girl with perfectly manicured nails that look like normal nails but ten times better.
7. Bed sheets that cost more that $19.99
Jersey sheets are the best. They’re also reminiscent of sleeping on a stretched out T-shirt, which is so very unglamorous. Now, thread count matters, as thread count indicates your social class and status.
8. Artsy coffee table books
Thick, beautiful books about Dali, Chanel, or Irish-pub cooking must be neatly scattered on your coffee table. They must look as though someone recently perused through them, when in fact you just made it look that way so you can’t judge yourself for buying $50 books no one ever reads.
9. A leather planner
Spiral planners are for adolescents. What could be more satisfying than writing “Coffee break: 12:30 p.m.” or “Brunch at 10 a.m.” in crisp, white slots and a luxuriously inky pen? Nothing. Nothing is more strangely satisfying.
10. A bag that is either black or brown
Whether you decide to go for a flashy label is entirely your prerogative, but normcore bags are all the rage for serious adults. No patterns, no bright oranges, or striped Kate Spade totes. Nothing. Just shades of neutral.
11. A black-and-white striped top
Because it makes you feel like you’re in Paris, where grown-ups go.
12. A cheeseboard from Crate & Barrel
Brownie points if your cheeseboard is made of charcoal slate. It’s so earthy and almost aggressively modern.
13. Stinky cheese
To go along with your slate cheeseboard, you obviously need a variety of cheese. Gouda, herbed goat cheese, and some kind of expensive cheddar are ideal.
14. Ornamental candles that you almost never light
Lighting them makes them sallow and wizened, so you just sprinkle matching aromatic candles in pretty holders throughout your apartment for an instantly mature ambiance. If the power goes out, more props to you, you prepared grown-up you.
I just bought some booties and I don’t even know who I am anymore, but I’m so severely in love with them. I feel as though I can do no wrong when I’m wearing my booties, and the sound of my heels as they heavily click away? Perfection. These booties were made for walking, let me tell you.
16. Cuff links
Whether you have a man friend or not, buying a pair of cuff links for fun is just so vintage and cool. You automatically feel like you’re in a Raymond Carver short story.
17. A fancy travel mug
So you can refuel wherever you go and save the earth in the process (it's BPA-free, obviously).
18. Body butter
Lotion is for high-schoolers sniffing around in Bath & Body Works. Body butter (especially from Lush or the Body Shop) is exorbitantly lavish, next-level moisturizer your adult body now craves.
19. Cashmere sweaters
And when all else fails and you still feel like a tacky early twentysomething, get yourself a cashmere sweater. You will instantly bloom into adulthood.
Images: Getty(3); Stash Tea; Hamilton Beach; Poster Revolution; Amazon Curated Collection; Jerome Gautier; Markings by C.R. Gibson; gourmet; Men's Collections; Contigo /Amazon; Urban Outfitters; Anthropologie(2); J.Crew (2); Crate and Barrel; Forever 21; The Body Shop