Wine, to cut to the point, is awesome. Coming home and knowing that you've got half a day-old Philly cheesesteak, some dried-out but still edible french fries, and a full box of Chardonnay chilling in the fridge is one of the purest, truest forms of joy in existence. I have asked mothers of new children which is the greater miracle: Seeing the eyes of their infant lock upon them for the first time, or moving a gallon of milk to discover a bottle of sparkling wine. While it was not any easy call for anyone, the wine almost always came out ahead.
My current exuberant love for the sweet nectar aside, once upon a time, I was not a wine drinker. I mean, I guess that is not surprising since, as a human being, I was once a baby child and thus could neither access nor appreciate the delights of fermented grapes. But I'm talking even once I was of age. I drank beer, I drank rum, I drank vodka, I drank gin — even once all at the same time. But wine didn't do it for me. It made me think of church. What a fool I was.
Actually, what a child I was. That's because, much like scotch, wine is a drink for grown-ass women. Only once you reach the peak of your self-awareness, stop taking shit from losers, lose your sense of shame, and accept your own awesomeness, only then will the sweet nectar of wine reveal its glorious mysteries unto you. When it does, you'll always want to have a bottle on hand. Here are 15 reasons why you should always have a bottle of wine in the house.
1. Because It Tastes Delicious
Trying to explain how delicious wine is to someone who's never had it is like trying to explain how deeply satisfying it is to use a Q-Tip and see results to someone who doesn't have ears. It's frustrating, impossible, and kind of a weird thing to insist on trying to do.
2. Because It Keeps Us Calm
What's that you say? A very attractive and well-mannered cannibal psychoanalyst is in my home with plans to acquire my organs for some sort of meaty risotto? That's fine. I've got Merlot. Bring it on, Hannibal. My blood pressure shall remain unmoved by your presence.
3. Because Wine = Class in a Glass
If someone calls you a bitch and you throw a burger at them, you are being pretty trashy. But if someone calls you a bitch and fling a glass of wine in their face, you're the pinnacle of sophisticated lady-rage.
4. Because Hoda and Kathie Lee Might Drink It All
Stock up while the stocking is good. These broads love three things: each other, Anderson Cooper, and wine. It's too late for Coop, but the rest of us still have time to escape their grasp. Buy in bulk, y'all.
5. Because You Might Have a Bad Day
You know what makes a bad day nothing but a distant memory? Pouring wine in your mouth and/or on your person in general, preferably paired with some kind of classy food. Like a pizza, or cheese slices straight from the fridge.
6. Because You Might Have a Good Day
You got promoted! You gave that hottie a handie in the elevator! You found a great deal on some wine! How to celebrate? A TOAST OR TWELVE, SAYS I.
7. Because It's Versatile
Wine isn't just a drink to enjoy for fun times. It can be used as a sleep remedy. It can also be used as a confidence booster. Though moderation is key, or else you'll discover it's other medicinal property: Sob inducer.
8. Because Betty White Might Be Coming Over
And you know what that bitch loves? Wine.
9. Because You've Got to Keep Your Palate Primed
Wine tastings hosted by experts are constant and pernicious. You never know when and where you might be called upon to share your vast knowledge regarding notes and tone and...stuff. Practice makes perfect.
10. Because There Might Be a Baby In Your House
And wine is, for whatever reason, the one type of booze that it somehow doesn't feel wrong and trashy to drink around babies. Like, if you see someone holding an infant in one hand and a shot of tequila in the other, you make haste to dial CPS. But holding a babe and a glass of wine? Totally responsible human, capable of much adequate child-rearing. Plus, it's okay when you spill because babies look so much better covered in wine.
11. Because It Helps You Make New Friends
With wine as a shared interest, you don't really need anything in common to keep a conversation going. Just a corkscrew and a steady supply.
12. Because You Want to Know What Love Is
Because you're lonely and you're not great at one-night stands unless it's with a bottle of Boone's Farm procured at 2 a.m. from the bodega.
13. Because You Know What Love Is And It's Awful
Because you were totally in love and now you're totally not and it totally sucks. You will want to watch rom-coms. Don't watch rom-coms. Don't be that sucker.
14. Olivia Pope. Enough said.
If Liv does it, it's not a bad idea. This goes for consuming wine daily, being a badass at work, having flawless hair, and sleeping with beautiful men. Her life may be a mess at times, but girl manages to mostly keep her shit in check. Evidence: She wears mostly white and drinks mostly red. Do you ever see any spillage? Chick is an aspirational wine-swilling champ.
15. Because You Wanna Get In The Mood
You want to get a little frisky? Wine is the oral liquid injection required before other kinds of injections and orals are enjoyed. Cheers!
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